If I Ran The Show....

If I ran the show…

(Homage to Theodor Geisel’s “If I Ran The Zoo”)

It’s a pretty good show

Said young Steve E. Reno

And the folks who run it seem like they should know.

But if I ran the show
Said Steve E. Reno
I’d make a few changes
Yes I’d make it so.

The touchdowns and passes and that kind of stuff

And a few cute commercials are not good enough.

You see things like this in any old game

They’re awfully old fashioned and really quite lame.  

 

I'm no Dr. Seuss but this got me thinking of how I would run the  “Super Bowl Zoo.” Here’s my idea to make “Super Bowl Sunday” a blockbuster, food filled, all-inclusive day long televised extravaganza. 

Many people (whose teams are not in the contest) only watch for the commercials, (occurring about every 5 minutes) or the half time shows fraught with potential wardrobe malfunctions and bombastic stage productions.

What if we made this a day long televised event like the Prince William and Kate Middleton wedding coverage?  It would incorporate a football game, the final Fantasy Football game in addition to the NFL Pro Bowl.  It would also include The Grammys, The Oscars and the American Idol finals.

Here’s how the schedule of events would go: 

We would start with the airing of ALL of the political ads. This would begin very early on “Super Sunday” so no one would actually have to watch them.  One entire hour of non-stop attack ads would be more than anyone, of any political ilk could tolerate,  but we might need an hour or more due to the multitude of Republicans running for office.  

Next come the million dollar, 30 second “Super Bowl” commercials which would be divided into categories. The first hour would be Bud Lite, Miller, Coors, Corona, Captain Morgan and all the other booze commercials that get people primed for  “drinking responsibly.” There would be plenty of Clydesdales, puppies, investment babies, most interesting men as well as beautiful young people drinking and partying.

Then would come car commercials featuring actors in tuxes reciting strange monologues while driving and truck commercials with low baritone voice-overs extolling American male virility.  An hour of these ads with low lease deals and no money down will most certainly drive you crazy!  

 

Let’s follow this with “techie” commercials featuring phones, tablets, watches, Cloud storage and data plans that guarantee that no one has to suffer from FOMO. 
 (Fear of missing out - on anything, any time, anywhere.)

Continuing on, we have commercials for fast food, soft drinks, candy and various junk foods.  Here Doritos will be flying, carbonated sugary drinks will be flowing while Subway sandwiches and cheeseburgers will be munched and chomped by busty women in all hilarious and suggestive situations.  

Of course all these fattening food commercials will have to be followed by at least an hour of Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem and other work-out, weight loss programs featuring Oprah, Terry Bradshaw (who also touts getting vaccinated for shingles) and Marie Osmond showing their predictable “before and after” selves.

Ok now it’s 4 hours before the big game and it’s time for the pre-game analysis.  We’ve got Boomer and a napping Ditka and “get’eeem” Phil Simms. We’ve got Ray “the preacher” Lewis, Coach Cower and fast talking Chris Berman. “Here come old flattop, Howie Long with Michael (without Kelly or his friends at GMA) and “don’t touch my hair” Jimmy Johnson. We’ve got Tony Dungee, Troy Aikman and Terry Bradshaw (no shingles please!) We’ve got Frank Caliendo doing his impression of John Madden and “I Feel Good” James Brown.  In rapid fire, blabbering fashion they break down the game, build up their heroes and talk about the keys to the game.  (Note: This might be a good time to take a short nap as the pre-game is going to go on for about 5 hours.)

We now approach  “prime time” and we’re ready for the National Anthem featuring a scantily clad Beyonce in a big production National Anthem dance number. Every once in a while (between gyrations) she sings a few words of the Anthem (out of order.) JayZ joins her on stage to help drag out the “Land of the Free” line after which thousands of drones are released over the stadium, some crashing into the stands.

So we now were ready to trot out all the old ex-players for the coin toss.  Kickoff brings great fanfare and by halftime it’s already a blow out. Bring on the half time show, which will feature hours worth of grandiose performances as well as The Grammy awards while America votes for their favorite American Idol. 

Since Janet Jackson's Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction was so memorable, the halftime show will open with Lenny Kravitz reprising his Command (o) YouTube performance, ripping his black leather pants with the first power chord! After Lenny, Coldplay, Beyonce (and Jay-Z) and a tediously long Bowie tribute, the halftime show continues with; “Ladies and Gentlemen, please focus your attention on the stadium screens as we show clips of our nominees for Best Picture, Best Actor and Actress and Best Supporting Actor and Actress. TV cameras zoom in on J- Law, Bradley Cooper, Leonardo Decaprio and all the other Caucasian nominees.  

4 hours later, we're ready for the 2^nd half of football. But first, let’s introduce this year’s Pro Bowl players who will run up and down the field, do some wild end zone dances and head to the locker room. 

The 2^nd half begins and because we already aired the commercials it lasts about 35 minutes. It ends in a lopsided score of course and now it’s time for Commissioner Roger Goodell to be announced. Just as he hands the trophy to the winning team’s owner, he gets leveled with a helmet to the head blow from Odell Beckem Jr. that knocks him out cold. He’s taken away on a cart to a mix of cheers and boos as the confetti reigns down. 

After the game, when the kids go to bed, we will have the mature audience commercials featuring Viagra, Cialis and Victoria’s Secret models. Make sure you will be ready when the time is right and that your heart is healthy enough to watch these commercials. Call your doctor for a commercial lasting longer than 4 hours.

"What a Super day!"  I say to myself as I make my way up the stairs in a food-induced coma like state. Before going to bed, I remove my bright red “Make The Superbowl Great Again” cap and look in the mirror and say; “I’m Steve E. Reno and I approved this Super Bowl!”

Doubling down....

As I was watching the Democratic candidates debate last night I was thinking that Bernie Sanders reminded me of someone, in looks and the sound of his voice.  Then it hit me.  Larry David is his alter ego.  I could not “Curb My Enthusiasm” when I looked up the word that means someone’s look alike.  The word is: Doppelganger (with an umlaut over the “a”. )  I was not the only one that noticed the resemblance as the next day I saw this picture posted on a social media sight. (Throw in a Warren Buffet and you’ve got the Doppelganger Trifecta!)

 

 Doppelganger  (What a great word!)

[dop-uh l-gang-er; German daw-puh l-geng-er] 

noun

1. a ghostly double or counterpart of a living person.

Also called doubleganger.

Origin of doppelgänger

German: literally, double-walker

 “Back in the day” my Doppelganger was Gabe Kaplan, of Welcome Back Kotter fame. With my curly “white man Afro” and a mustache,  I could not go anywhere without someone saying; “Did anyone ever tell you that you look like…..” 

“I know, Mr. Kotter;”  I’d reply before they finished.  

I was raised on TV shows of the 60’s which seemed to have a fascination with the “Doppelganger effect.”  Remember the Patty Duke show with the “identical cousins”, Patti and Cathy?  Here’s where it gets complicated.  They are identical cousins because their fathers were identical twins.  (Can this really happen in “real life?!) Patty and Cathy also have a Doppelgänger in a distant cousin, the Southern belle Betsy.  I can hear the theme song; “They laugh alike, they walk alike, at times they even talk alike….”

We have a guy in our hometown of Portsmouth, NH who looks exactly like Johnny Depp. There were so many Johnny Depp sightings around town that the local radio station brought the guy in for an interview.  (There could be worse things that having J.D. as your Doppelganger, right?)

Through the wonder and uniqueness of genetics, there are millions of combinations of facial recognition features that make people look a certain way or look like someone else. Even with all the millions of possibilities there may be someone walking the earth who may be your Doppelganger.  (Unless your Doppelganger is Johnny Depp or Angie Harmon, you may be reluctant to acknowledge the resemblance.)

I think I have a keen sense of the Doppelganger. I’m always saying to my wife, that guy looks just like so and so.  At the gym this morning I thought I saw Richard Dryfuss, Cher and Shaggy (from the cartoon, Scooby Doo.) (Note: They were just Doppelgangers.) 

 Having seen a “side-by-side” picture of Bernie and Larry, I thought wouldn’t it be helpful if we could employ doppelgangers so the candidates could maximize their campaign stops and debating. Who can forget the near perfect Doppelganger effect we had with Tina Fey and John McCain’s “hockey mom” running mate from Alaska? (All we needed here was a good hairdresser.) Here’s a few of my ideas to “double your pleasure, double your fun” with aspiring presidential Doggelgangers. Consider these candidates, if you will.

(Please note my bi-partisanship in the following examples.)

Since this candidate is the best at everything, (including having many Doppelgangers from which to choose and even some from the animal kingdom) lets start with “The Donald.”

Consider “The Biff,” from Back To The Future to fill in for the reality show candidate.  After all, we all wish that Trump would “make like a tree and get outa here.”

Or if you’d rather, how about Trump and a howler monkey.  I can definitely see the resemblance.

 

Though he may have to lose the middle school mustache, I think David Spade could certainly cover for Hillary at some of her stops.  (Don’t ask about the email server or you might get more of a snarky answer than you bargained for.) 

 

Here’s one for all of you fans of The Office; how about Kevin subbing for Ted Cruz?

 

Bobby (What me worry?”) Jindle ?  (Though Bobby might be Mad about this choice.) 

 Chris Christie and Steve Schirripa. ("Sit down and shut up!) 

Dr. Ben Carson may say some crazy sh** but as a doctor he’s probably into Marvin Gaye’s Sexual Healing. 

When we saw what we thought was Mike Huckabee (crying) at the rally for Kentucky clerk Kim Davis, it was really Kevin Spacey.  (Who else could pull of that convincing, tearful act? Not to mention that Kevin Spacey has some similarities in his political character.)

Wouldn’t you prefer the English accent of Ricky Gervais to the high pitched drawl of Lindsey Graham? 

Rand Paul is Eddie Haskell.  "Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver. Wallace and I were wondering if Rand and Theodore could accompany us to the debate tonight?" 

 

I will leave you with this one. Even though he can’t run for another term as POTUS, maybe this guy can (as long as he can produce a valid birth certificate.)

Steve E. Reno

Most likely to succeed......

We can’t seem to get enough of awards and award shows.  (Hopefully, my loyal readers can’t get enough of blog posts about award shows!) We have the TONYS, the EMMYS, the DAYTIME EMMYS,  the ESPYS, the GRAMMYS, the OSCARS, the GOLDEN GLOBES, the CMA’S, VMA’s  the PEOPLE’S CHOICE AWARDS, the SCREEN ACTORS GUILD AWARDS and a slew of other obscure awards.

I’d like to  propose a new award; The  Facebook Posting Awards, or the ZUCKERS.  (The statue with be a  miniature likeness of Zuckerburg and of course, it will the called the “Markie.” )

We all enjoy keeping up with the busy lives of our FB friends and family by checking in a few times a day to view and comment on the latest postings.  But there are certain posting habits that may get one banished to Facebook purgatory or get one “unfriended.”

My vision for these awards is that they resemble our high school year book awards, which were subjective,  stereotypical  and regrettable.  Here are my proposed categories and you can vote for your own deserving FB recipients. 

Most likely to:  Post a picture of every meal that they are about to eat……(and the empty plate afterward)

“I’m having the Pacific Ocean black cod, hand glazed with a Japanese tamari and honey reduction delicately balanced on a sumptuous organic pearl barley risotto with a delightful English courgette flower beignet."  “And we even had room for dessert!” 

(Damn, I'm having a PBJ for dinner.)  

Most like to:  Annoy us with a multitude of inspirational placards like;

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that’s why it’s called the present” or “When one door closes another window opens.”

(The correct and often used comment is:  “Soooo Truuuue!”)

Most likely to:  Post a selfie with their posse, hefting a brew from their local watering hole…..

(Followed by a selfie while worshiping the porcelain throne at home after a night of bar hopping.) 

Most like to:  Post vacation pictures (from warm, tropical postcard worthy destinations)…

(While the rest of us are shoveling out from 8 feet of snow and freezing our collective asses off!)

Most likely to: Post a video of a cat doing something outrageous…..

“This cat enjoys bath so much that he has learned to fill the tub himself and add bubble bath, what he does at the end will leave you catatonic!”

(After all, cats DO rule the Internet.)

Most likely to:  Be the first to  post a R.I.P. message about the passing of some rock star or celebrity….

“R.I.P. Scott Clendenin – bass player for the band Death and Control Denied.” 

(The irony of this loss is not lost on me. )

Most likely to:  Post an impossible math problem to make everyone else feel like a dope……

6 ÷ 2(1+2) = ? Answer it.

(Still working on the answer and as Tony Soprano once said: 
 “I don’t got time for ‘dis sh**.” )

Most likely to:  “Over share “ and post “TMI”….

“My hubby is really suffering from those nasty hemorrhoids, poor baby. “

(Husband obviously not on Facebook and if asked would use Tony S. quote above.)

Most likely to: Post a strange optical illusion picture with the instructions, “look at this picture for 5 minutes then share when you see the image of the Virgin Mary.”

(These almost never seem to work and you’ve wasted minutes of your life that you’ll never get back.)

Most likely to: Share an obscure quiz to determine your personality type….

Take the  “What Aqua Teen Hunger Force character are you” quiz. 
See if you are Master Shake,  Meatwad or  Frylock.

(I got Master Shake.)

Most likely to:  Invite you to play an online game….

“Joe has invited you to play Candy Crush Saga" or "Jeanine has invited you to play
 Cookie Jam.”

(No offense to any of my FB gamer friends but I don’t want to play and I don’t need to know what level you’ve attained in Mafia Wars 2.)

Most likely to: Post; “Share if you think your son (or daughter) is the smartest, most wonderful person in the world.” We have all variations on this theme; uncles, aunts, nephews, nieces and second cousins.
( I’m always afraid if I don’t share, it will make me look like a bad parent, sibling or second cousin.)

Most like to: Post a cryptic, sympathy inducing message, sure to invite a bunch of concerned comments.  “Wondering if it’s all worth it…” or “Why me?!” 
(Of course, there is a term for this; it’s called “vaguebooking.” ) 

I’ll end with one final entry (and I will give the award to myself!)
Most likely to: Share a Pee Wee Herman post with the comment,
 “If you love this post, why don’t you marry it!”

Who doesn’t “like” a Pee Wee Herman post?!

And the winner is.......

I think I can state unequivocally that in our current social media driven age, the TV rating for any awards show will far exceed the ratings for the President of the United States delivering his State of the Union Address.   

I have an idea to increase the entertainment value and boost the TV ratings of the political theater that occurs annually in January.  The POTUS would be the master of ceremonies of the Tony and Oscar’s State of the Golden Peoples Globe Awards. It would be a red carpet affair with tuxes and revealing designer gowns and of course, an open bar. Before the POTUS is introduced, the Speaker of the House and Vice President would warm up the audience with a hilarious little song and dance harpooning their favorite Congressman and Senators.  (Picture Biden and Boehner doing a number together with top hats and canes, like Davis and Wallace in White Christmas.) 

Now that the Congressional audience is primed, we bring out POTUS, who proclaims that the “state of our Union is strong” and then throws out a few good-natured barbs like;  “I mean strong like Mitt Romney’s offshore bank account” or “as strong as Chris Christie’s office chair.”  (Clapping and laughter from the gallery, with the camera zooming in on a well-tanned, stone faced John Boehner.)  

 POTUS: “Look at our job creation numbers.  Why we’ve added hundreds of new lawyers alone, just to handle all the alleged rape cases against Bill Cosby.”  (More laughter and clapping, camera zooms in on a frowning Phylicia Rashad.)

POTUS:  “I’m honored to welcome our newly elected members of Congress, who might be described as 50 Shades of Grey.” (Laughter.)  “Now I’m not saying you’re old but some of you look more like Clint Eastwood than Bradley Cooper.” (More laughter.) 

POTUS: “Okay, without further adieu, let’s bring up our first award presenters.  Two former presidents who are now golfing buddies, enjoying a newfound  “bromance”, welcome Bill Clinton and George W. Bush.” (The Democrats stand up clapping and so do the Republicans but they quickly sit down so no one thinks they are clapping for the wrong party.)

Bill Clinton: “There was only one nominee for the award of Best solo acting performance in a ridiculous filibuster.”

G.W.Bush: “Yeah, I’m still reading that Dr. Seuss classic.”

“And the award goes to Ted Cruz for his reading of Green Eggs and Ham on the Senate floor.” 

POTUS: “Ted, we had time for more than a few tea parties during that speech.”  (Laughter)

“Now, presenting the award for best performance in an on air interview, please welcome disgraced ex-congressman from New York, Anthony Weiner.”  (Someone from the gallery yells, “take off your shirt!” Uneasy laughter.)

Weiner:   “As you know, we New Yorkers don’t pull any punches and that’s why the winner of the “is this mike on?” award goes to my fellow New Yorker, Rep. Michael Grimm. 

Roll clip of Grimm’s performance when he told a reporter, “Let me be clear to you, you ever do that to me again, I’ll throw you over the *%$#ing railing.  I’ll break you in half. Like a boy.”  (Applause.)

POTUS: “Speaking of disgraced, please welcome our next presenter, recently indicted Texas Gov. Rick Perry.”  (Senators and reps. from Texas let out a cowboy whoop.)

Perry:  “Now who doesn’t like an old fashioned, down home scandal?”  That’s why I’m proud to present the Best Actor in a leading role to Gov. Chris Chistie of New Jersey for his performance in “Bridgegate.” 

(Applause interrupted by loud boos from a contingent of NJ teachers in the gallery.)

Christie: “Sit down and shut up!”

(Christie fist bumps POTUS as he leaves the podium with Springsteen’s Glory Days playing.)

POTUS:  “As you know, we reserve a special honor for those who have consistently influenced events with big money and are deserving of a Lifetime (over) Achievement Award.  To present this prestigious award, please welcome Karl Rove!

(Camera goes to Sean Hannity, the only person standing and clapping.)

Rove: “I’m proud to announce this year’s recipients for their unending contributions of millions year after year on hand picked conservative candidates, The Koch Brothers!” 

(All Republicans stand and cheer.)

POTUS: “Almost makes me wish I’d been a Republican.  (Laughter)  “Well, we're running out of time so let’s get right to the finale.

(Applause)

POTUS: “And now, to present the award for Best TV Ad and Best Performance by a woman in a leading role, please put your hands together for the dynamic duo of running mates that entertained us so a few years back, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan!”  (No one claps and no one stands up…).

Romney:  For best TV ad and best performance in a winning acceptance speech, the winner goes to …

Ryan: “Joni Ernst from Iowa for her castrating swine ad and “make ‘em squeal” acceptance speech.”

 (Applause and a few oink oinks from the gallery as Joni awkwardly takes the stage in an Oscar de la Renta gown and bread bags over her high heels.) 

POTUS: “To quote a famous movie line from a few years back, Joni you had me at castration.”

(Laughter)

“Well folks it been a wonderful evening and congratulations to all our winners."

"You’ve been a great audience – God Bless you and God Bless the USA!"

(POTUS dances out of the chamber to the song of the year, Happy by Pharrell Williams).

Now that’s how you get people to watch the SOTU!

“There’s more of gravy than of grave about you, whatever you are!”

So wrote Charles Dickens in 1843 in a story titled A Christmas Carol.  It starts out with this simple sentence:  “Marley was dead: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that.” 

He ends this first paragraph like this:  “Old Marley was as dead as a door-nail.”

But seven years later, on Christmas Eve, he appears again, his apparition visage in a doorknocker.

In one of my favorite all-time literary metaphors, it is described as having a “dismal light about it” and being “like a bad lobster in a dark cellar.” 

So when “Old Marley” strolls (or floats) into Ebenezer Scrooge’s bedroom, we learn that what he wants from old Scrooge is “MUCH” and that it’s time to call for the Ghostbusters.   But while this specter is scaring the “Dickens” out of him, Scrooge keeps his sense of humor by doubtfully asking the poltergeist if he could sit down.  Marley replies that he can and Scrooge insists he “Do it then!”

He then goes on to insult Casper (the not-so-friendly ghost) by calling him “an undigested bit of beef” and issuing the classic “gravy” line.  Needless to say, the phantom Mr. M was pissed!

Nothing gets me more in the “spirit” of the season more than watching all of the many versions of  “Scrooge” while snuggled up on the couch with my wife and some liquid spirits. We’ve got George C. Scott, Patrick Stewart, Albert Finey, Alastair Sim and Scrooge McDuck in the many versions of the Christmas classic.

 As we learn in this cautionary tale, we should consider how we live our lives and how we will be remembered.  Personally, I don’t want to be that see-through dude wearing that ponderous “chain I forged in life.” I’d prefer to be like Patrick  Swazey at the pottery wheel helping shape the perfect clay pot. Thus I try to “be of good cheer” all through the rolling year and be cognizant that “mankind is my business.”

We know that Scrooge considered his old partner a “good man of business.”  If Scrooge had any sense of humor he would have had this inscription put on Marley’s gravestone: " I made some good deals and I made some bad ones.  I really went in the hole with this one.”

We know that we cannot take our money with us when we go, (as if there will be any money left), it may be possible to “leave ‘em laughing.”   I used to walk my dog in a local cemetery and I came across a gravestone with an inscription that always made me smile.  It read:  “DAD – INCORRIGIBLE PUNSTER.”  Underneath it reads, “Ask for me tomorrow and you will find me a grave man.”                 

                                                    

I was talking to someone recently that said they had to do a school project and design their own gravestone. This got me thinking about what I would have as “my last message to the world of the living.” When folks come to visit me, I want to “leave ‘em laughing” with some clever inscription. Here are a few amusing epitaphs that I like but I’ll keep working on my own. 

(a dentist in Scotland) … Dentist Brown Is filling his last cavity.

3.14159265358979323846264338327950288,  (I call this one Life of PI  - it is on the gravestone of  Dutch mathematician,  Ludolph van Ceulen, who spent his life calculating the numerical value of pi.)

Osho (or Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh) :"Never born, Never died: visited the planet earth between December 11, 1931 and, January 19, 1990."

“Who are you?” asked Scrooge.

“Ask me who I was? “

“Who were you then?” said Scrooge, raising his voice. “You’re particular, for a shade.”

“In life I was your partner, Jacob Marley.”

In my Last Will and Testament I’m going to request that a device be installed in my gravestone that will prompt my visitors to ask:  “Who were you?”

And the answer will come out of a little speaker and it will say: “In life I was your latex salesman”  or

“Luke, I was your father. “ (Or any number of other equally clever lines.)

(Note:  Real Star Wars fans will of course know that the line was "No, I am your father")

I came across some excellent examples of  humorous celebrity epitaphs that are  more about gravy than grave. Here are some classics:

Mel Blanc, the man of 1000 voices who did all the Looney Toon characters:

“That’s All Folks.”

Merv Griffin:  “I will not be right back after this message.”

Rodney Dangerfield:  “There goes the neighborhood. “

Leslie Nielsen:  “Let ‘er rip.”

 John Belushi:  "He could have given us a few more laughs, but nooooo."

(This one is strictly urban legend.) Johnnie Cochran, the famous attorney died in 2005 and you might think his gravestone reads: “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”  However, it could read: “O.J. did it.”

But life is for the living and I will endeavor to be like Old Fezziwig and hope to be remembered as one who brought happiness to those who knew him, “as if it cost a fortune.”  I "will have no further intercourse with Spirits" and "keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge."  

"And as Tiny Tim observed:  God bless us, everyone!"

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from Steve E. Reno

Getting fit, the "RIGHT" way....

I remember the day that changed my life. It was the Wednesday after the mid-term elections and the Republicans had just won enough seats to gain control of the Senate. I went to the Judgement Free Zone as I do most mornings and hopped on a bike to work up a sweat.The channel was set to Fox News and I was watching the joint press conference with John Boehner, (Speaker of the House) and Mitch McConnell, (newly re-elected Senator from Kentucky.) The more I watched, the angrier I got. Then it hit me like a thunderbolt. I had just come up with a brand new, sure fire fat burning fitness routine.  Here’s my story:

About Steve E. Reno Creator of FN90X^®

I used to go the gym in the morning and watch Ellen, ESPN sports and (liberal) network news. I found myself hitting a plateau in my workout routine. I was too content with good-natured lesbian sarcasm, insightful sports analysis and factual reporting of the news and I’d find myself leaving full of endorphins and a false sense of well being. Then one day, I forced myself to watch Fox News for an hour and before long my heart rate had increased to my fat burning, target level and I found myself screaming at the TV. I was gripping the handles of my stationary bike so tightly that my muscles were aching. I was feeling the burn all right! I was pissed and I could feel my body tensing up so much that no fat cells wanted any part of me. I decided right then and there that I had tapped into something special and that I needed to share my secret of fat burning stress relief with others.  Read about the latest result oriented program that is going to revolutionize the fitness industry. 

FN90X^® Workout- (Patented Fox News 90 X weight loss program.) Go from fat and happy to thin and certifiably insane in just 90 days! Most people see results in 30 days but if you want to turn into a complete lunatic, go for the advanced 90-day work out plan. Order FN90I – Fox News 90 I (for INSANITY) with introduction by SeanT.

Warning:  Though no anabolic steroids are involved, similar side effects like flying into rages and suffering from delusions have been reported.   Ask your doctor if you’re healthy enough for sudden increases in blood pressure and sane enough for extreme outrage.

 HOW FN90X^® WORKS: THE SCIENCE OF RATIONAL BRAIN CONFUSION™

Here's the true secret of how FN90X^®  works: Brain Confusion. FN90X^® uses targeted “fair and balanced” reporting so your mind (and waistline) keep narrowing. You'll never "plateau"—which means your brain will never get used to the right wing propaganda making for increased anger levels resulting in higher blood pressure and increased caloric burn.  

• Short viewing cycles constantly challenge your patience with biased and transparently partisan commentary.
• FN90X^® maximizes fat burning in different ways every day.  One day you’ll watch Hannity, another you’ll watch Huckabee.  Every day you’ll watch something different that will get you ripping mad!

Read some of our (unsolicited) testimonials:

“It was simple yet it had a science to it with this Brain Confusion." 
T. Party, Intercourse, PA

“I don’t think I’ve ever gotten angrier in my life.  The pounds just melted off.” 
Eileen Wright, Phoenix AZ

“After having my first child, I was watching a lot of CNN and other liberal news media and I was having a hard time getting angry enough to lose the extra baby weight. The FN90X^® program made a “pit bull with lipstick” out of me in no time helping me burn the extra calories.”
Tess Tamoni,  Brooklyn, NY

“After just one workout I was ready to go out and buy an assault rifle and castrate some hogs!” 
Joni Makemsqueal Ernst, Des Moines, IA

Here are just a few of the workout routines that you’ll get when you buy the FN90X^®  fitness program:

Day one: 10 minutes of fat burning, anger inducing cardio with Fox News – America’s Newsroom.  Two robots resembling a perfect American man and woman who are programmed to steer every news story to the right while managing to blame the Obama Administration for everything from extreme weather to the lack of a cure for the common cold. Follow this with loud, grunting bench pressing until you find your anger subsiding.
Day Two:  A 10-minute intense core strengthening viewing session of Hannity, guaranteed to get your stomach in knots (involving all those hard to work ab muscles) with infuriating commentary on liberal Democrats and their design for a “Great Welfare State.”  Follow this with 100 crunches as you count to clear your mind. Don’t forget to breathe!
Day Three:  10 minutes of The O’Reilly Factor on the treadmill that will really get your blood boiling. You won’t realize the treadmill is going as fast as it can go until you find yourself running to try to jump into the TV set to shut him up (or at least turn off the sound.) Follow this with “real” dumbbells and perform bicep curls until the pain in your arms is worse than your headache.

But wait!  If you order now, we’ll also send you our “mobile app” that gives you access to some of the most outrageous, right wing radio programming on the planet.  Listen to Rush, Beck and Savage while you’re out jogging and you’ll find yourself getting so worked up you’ll wind up sprinting for miles and ready to go 15 rounds with Rocky!

Our 90-Day Money Back Guarantee:
If our scientifically designed program of Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid bashing or Obamacare repeal rhetoric is not everything we promised, just return the program for a full refund.

Order now! Get Mad and Get Fit!