I
always enjoy hearing people complaining that if you want to be considered an American, you need to speak English.
They complain about having to listen to a message, in Spanish and having
to “Press 1 for English.” I’ve seen
signs that say; “This is America. We speak English.”
Now
unless I’m mistaken, the indigenous population inhabiting North America (before
called it was America), was not speaking English. Didn’t “we” risk life and limb to cross the ocean so that we
could speak our own version of “The King’s English” (while trying to coerce the
Native Americans to do the same)? The
“enlightened” Facebook posters declare that we speak “American” and if you want
to live here, you better know how to speak “are" language. (And by the way, wherever in the world “we”
visit, we expect that everyone else should also speak our language, for our
convenience.)
Well,
that would imply that if we need to speak English, that we should probably be
able to read and write English as well.
Therein lies the rub. I’ve heard
some horrendous bastardizations of the English language and seen comical misuse
and abuse of the written word. Here’s a
perfect example: This sign was
apparently suggested and sanctioned by Mayor Chester Stranczek (of Crestwood,
who knows where): ENGLISH IS OUR
LANGUAGE NO “EXCETIONS” LEARN IT! (Nice.)
Though
we all speak English, we find that regional dialects can challenge our hearing
to the point of English sounding completely foreign. We have come to appreciate the unique dialects spoken by long
term residents of Bangor, Maine, Baton Rouge, Louisiana, or Bronx, NY, for
example. Remember the scene in My Cousin Vinny where Joe Pesci was
describing (to Fred Gwyne, the judge)
the boys he was defending as “youts”?
Vinny:
Is it possible that the two youts--
Judge Haller: Uh, the two what? Uh, uh, what was that word?
Vinny: Uh, what word?
Judge Haller: Two what?
Vinny: What?
Judge Haller: Did you say "yutes"?
Vinny: Yeah, two youts.
Judge Haller: What is a yute?
Vinny: Oh, excuse me, Your Honor, two youths.
The
English language can sound very foreign when one moves from one part of the
country to another. (Disclaimer; I frequent the “Judgement Free Zone” so
these are observations only.) I
think it may be physically impossible to live down South for any length of time
without incorporating “y’all” to your everyday vocabulary. When I first moved
to New Hampshire (from New Jersey), I could not believe my ears the first time
I heard some one say; “So don’t I” as a response to a sentence like; “I love to
go out for ice cream.” I soon learned
that employment of the reverse or double negative also applied to the plural as
well as the tense. “We had lahbsta last night.” “ So didn’t we!” (would be the reply)
“I’d be too scared to go on that roller coaster.” “So wouldn’t I!” (would be the proper New
England response.)
Sometimes,
if we use an expression enough, it begins to sound correct. Every now and then, we hear someone
butchering some common expression or mixing metaphors and we have to keep from
laughing out loud. We all seem to have
adopted a particular malaprop to the point of saying the expression the right way sounds strange. We like to describe what should be a simple
project (but may be more involved) as “rocket surgery.” For
example, it sounds strange to say that it should not be “rocket science” to
develop a good tasting decapitated coffee!
Often times people (speaking English?) can really abuse a phrase resulting in a “malapropism.” How about this one for a classic botched expression: “She was suffering from a detached rectum.” (I guess she could not see for sh**!)
In other cases people keep using incorrect expression
because others are reluctant to point out that it’s wrong. Take this one for example: “Corporate, in their infamous wisdom, decided to have more layoffs.” It sounds “kind of right” but it’s infinitely incorrect.
We endured eight years of George W. Bush, who was a “vast suppository”of malapropisms. They were profuse enough to warrant an official place in our
lexicon. They were known as “Bushisms.” “Dubya” once said; “They misunderestimated
me.” Remember his speech on education
where he said; "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children
learning?" Good question (poor delivery.) In regard to G.W.B. it may
suffice to use a famous “Yogism”(see Yogi Berra): "(He) really didn't say
everything (he) said.”
There is nothing like a well-turned mixed metaphor to spice up a conversation. By definition, a mixed metaphor is; “a succession of incongruous or ludicrous comparisons.”
Speaking
of “ludicrous”, let’s start with Rush Limbaugh using this mixed metaphor:
"I knew enough to realize that the
alligators were in the swamp and that it was time to circle the wagons."
(The Liberals made him say it!)
I think Rush would agree with former Vice-president Dan Quayle when he said:
"Republicans
understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
Now
here’s one that Rush may have once used: “He’s not the one with his ass in a
noose.”
Here’s one that I may once have said (about Rush): “These
hemorrhoids are a real pain in the neck.”
One thing that I can say for sure about Rush and I is
that our views are “diabolically opposed.” Fortunately for Rush, we
Americans not only speak English but free speech is“incarcerated” into
our Constitution.
Well I’ve been working long and hard on this blog,
burning the midnight oil at both ends so I’ll close with this observation by
Richard Lederer: "The best malapropisms are those that leap across
the chasm of absurdity and land on the side of truth."
What’s my next topic going to be, you ask? I’m not sure but I’ll burn that bridge when
I come to it!
