Doubling down....

As I was watching the Democratic candidates debate last night I was thinking that Bernie Sanders reminded me of someone, in looks and the sound of his voice.  Then it hit me.  Larry David is his alter ego.  I could not “Curb My Enthusiasm” when I looked up the word that means someone’s look alike.  The word is: Doppelganger (with an umlaut over the “a”. )  I was not the only one that noticed the resemblance as the next day I saw this picture posted on a social media sight. (Throw in a Warren Buffet and you’ve got the Doppelganger Trifecta!)

 

 Doppelganger  (What a great word!)

[dop-uh l-gang-er; German daw-puh l-geng-er] 

noun

1. a ghostly double or counterpart of a living person.

Also called doubleganger.

Origin of doppelgänger

German: literally, double-walker

 “Back in the day” my Doppelganger was Gabe Kaplan, of Welcome Back Kotter fame. With my curly “white man Afro” and a mustache,  I could not go anywhere without someone saying; “Did anyone ever tell you that you look like…..” 

“I know, Mr. Kotter;”  I’d reply before they finished.  

I was raised on TV shows of the 60’s which seemed to have a fascination with the “Doppelganger effect.”  Remember the Patty Duke show with the “identical cousins”, Patti and Cathy?  Here’s where it gets complicated.  They are identical cousins because their fathers were identical twins.  (Can this really happen in “real life?!) Patty and Cathy also have a Doppelgänger in a distant cousin, the Southern belle Betsy.  I can hear the theme song; “They laugh alike, they walk alike, at times they even talk alike….”

We have a guy in our hometown of Portsmouth, NH who looks exactly like Johnny Depp. There were so many Johnny Depp sightings around town that the local radio station brought the guy in for an interview.  (There could be worse things that having J.D. as your Doppelganger, right?)

Through the wonder and uniqueness of genetics, there are millions of combinations of facial recognition features that make people look a certain way or look like someone else. Even with all the millions of possibilities there may be someone walking the earth who may be your Doppelganger.  (Unless your Doppelganger is Johnny Depp or Angie Harmon, you may be reluctant to acknowledge the resemblance.)

I think I have a keen sense of the Doppelganger. I’m always saying to my wife, that guy looks just like so and so.  At the gym this morning I thought I saw Richard Dryfuss, Cher and Shaggy (from the cartoon, Scooby Doo.) (Note: They were just Doppelgangers.) 

 Having seen a “side-by-side” picture of Bernie and Larry, I thought wouldn’t it be helpful if we could employ doppelgangers so the candidates could maximize their campaign stops and debating. Who can forget the near perfect Doppelganger effect we had with Tina Fey and John McCain’s “hockey mom” running mate from Alaska? (All we needed here was a good hairdresser.) Here’s a few of my ideas to “double your pleasure, double your fun” with aspiring presidential Doggelgangers. Consider these candidates, if you will.

(Please note my bi-partisanship in the following examples.)

Since this candidate is the best at everything, (including having many Doppelgangers from which to choose and even some from the animal kingdom) lets start with “The Donald.”

Consider “The Biff,” from Back To The Future to fill in for the reality show candidate.  After all, we all wish that Trump would “make like a tree and get outa here.”

Or if you’d rather, how about Trump and a howler monkey.  I can definitely see the resemblance.

 

Though he may have to lose the middle school mustache, I think David Spade could certainly cover for Hillary at some of her stops.  (Don’t ask about the email server or you might get more of a snarky answer than you bargained for.) 

 

Here’s one for all of you fans of The Office; how about Kevin subbing for Ted Cruz?

 

Bobby (What me worry?”) Jindle ?  (Though Bobby might be Mad about this choice.) 

 Chris Christie and Steve Schirripa. ("Sit down and shut up!) 

Dr. Ben Carson may say some crazy sh** but as a doctor he’s probably into Marvin Gaye’s Sexual Healing. 

When we saw what we thought was Mike Huckabee (crying) at the rally for Kentucky clerk Kim Davis, it was really Kevin Spacey.  (Who else could pull of that convincing, tearful act? Not to mention that Kevin Spacey has some similarities in his political character.)

Wouldn’t you prefer the English accent of Ricky Gervais to the high pitched drawl of Lindsey Graham? 

Rand Paul is Eddie Haskell.  "Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver. Wallace and I were wondering if Rand and Theodore could accompany us to the debate tonight?" 

 

I will leave you with this one. Even though he can’t run for another term as POTUS, maybe this guy can (as long as he can produce a valid birth certificate.)

Steve E. Reno

Most likely to succeed......

We can’t seem to get enough of awards and award shows.  (Hopefully, my loyal readers can’t get enough of blog posts about award shows!) We have the TONYS, the EMMYS, the DAYTIME EMMYS,  the ESPYS, the GRAMMYS, the OSCARS, the GOLDEN GLOBES, the CMA’S, VMA’s  the PEOPLE’S CHOICE AWARDS, the SCREEN ACTORS GUILD AWARDS and a slew of other obscure awards.

I’d like to  propose a new award; The  Facebook Posting Awards, or the ZUCKERS.  (The statue with be a  miniature likeness of Zuckerburg and of course, it will the called the “Markie.” )

We all enjoy keeping up with the busy lives of our FB friends and family by checking in a few times a day to view and comment on the latest postings.  But there are certain posting habits that may get one banished to Facebook purgatory or get one “unfriended.”

My vision for these awards is that they resemble our high school year book awards, which were subjective,  stereotypical  and regrettable.  Here are my proposed categories and you can vote for your own deserving FB recipients. 

Most likely to:  Post a picture of every meal that they are about to eat……(and the empty plate afterward)

“I’m having the Pacific Ocean black cod, hand glazed with a Japanese tamari and honey reduction delicately balanced on a sumptuous organic pearl barley risotto with a delightful English courgette flower beignet."  “And we even had room for dessert!” 

(Damn, I'm having a PBJ for dinner.)  

Most like to:  Annoy us with a multitude of inspirational placards like;

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that’s why it’s called the present” or “When one door closes another window opens.”

(The correct and often used comment is:  “Soooo Truuuue!”)

Most likely to:  Post a selfie with their posse, hefting a brew from their local watering hole…..

(Followed by a selfie while worshiping the porcelain throne at home after a night of bar hopping.) 

Most like to:  Post vacation pictures (from warm, tropical postcard worthy destinations)…

(While the rest of us are shoveling out from 8 feet of snow and freezing our collective asses off!)

Most likely to: Post a video of a cat doing something outrageous…..

“This cat enjoys bath so much that he has learned to fill the tub himself and add bubble bath, what he does at the end will leave you catatonic!”

(After all, cats DO rule the Internet.)

Most likely to:  Be the first to  post a R.I.P. message about the passing of some rock star or celebrity….

“R.I.P. Scott Clendenin – bass player for the band Death and Control Denied.” 

(The irony of this loss is not lost on me. )

Most likely to:  Post an impossible math problem to make everyone else feel like a dope……

6 ÷ 2(1+2) = ? Answer it.

(Still working on the answer and as Tony Soprano once said: 
 “I don’t got time for ‘dis sh**.” )

Most likely to:  “Over share “ and post “TMI”….

“My hubby is really suffering from those nasty hemorrhoids, poor baby. “

(Husband obviously not on Facebook and if asked would use Tony S. quote above.)

Most likely to: Post a strange optical illusion picture with the instructions, “look at this picture for 5 minutes then share when you see the image of the Virgin Mary.”

(These almost never seem to work and you’ve wasted minutes of your life that you’ll never get back.)

Most likely to: Share an obscure quiz to determine your personality type….

Take the  “What Aqua Teen Hunger Force character are you” quiz. 
See if you are Master Shake,  Meatwad or  Frylock.

(I got Master Shake.)

Most likely to:  Invite you to play an online game….

“Joe has invited you to play Candy Crush Saga" or "Jeanine has invited you to play
 Cookie Jam.”

(No offense to any of my FB gamer friends but I don’t want to play and I don’t need to know what level you’ve attained in Mafia Wars 2.)

Most likely to: Post; “Share if you think your son (or daughter) is the smartest, most wonderful person in the world.” We have all variations on this theme; uncles, aunts, nephews, nieces and second cousins.
( I’m always afraid if I don’t share, it will make me look like a bad parent, sibling or second cousin.)

Most like to: Post a cryptic, sympathy inducing message, sure to invite a bunch of concerned comments.  “Wondering if it’s all worth it…” or “Why me?!” 
(Of course, there is a term for this; it’s called “vaguebooking.” ) 

I’ll end with one final entry (and I will give the award to myself!)
Most likely to: Share a Pee Wee Herman post with the comment,
 “If you love this post, why don’t you marry it!”

Who doesn’t “like” a Pee Wee Herman post?!

And the winner is.......

I think I can state unequivocally that in our current social media driven age, the TV rating for any awards show will far exceed the ratings for the President of the United States delivering his State of the Union Address.   

I have an idea to increase the entertainment value and boost the TV ratings of the political theater that occurs annually in January.  The POTUS would be the master of ceremonies of the Tony and Oscar’s State of the Golden Peoples Globe Awards. It would be a red carpet affair with tuxes and revealing designer gowns and of course, an open bar. Before the POTUS is introduced, the Speaker of the House and Vice President would warm up the audience with a hilarious little song and dance harpooning their favorite Congressman and Senators.  (Picture Biden and Boehner doing a number together with top hats and canes, like Davis and Wallace in White Christmas.) 

Now that the Congressional audience is primed, we bring out POTUS, who proclaims that the “state of our Union is strong” and then throws out a few good-natured barbs like;  “I mean strong like Mitt Romney’s offshore bank account” or “as strong as Chris Christie’s office chair.”  (Clapping and laughter from the gallery, with the camera zooming in on a well-tanned, stone faced John Boehner.)  

 POTUS: “Look at our job creation numbers.  Why we’ve added hundreds of new lawyers alone, just to handle all the alleged rape cases against Bill Cosby.”  (More laughter and clapping, camera zooms in on a frowning Phylicia Rashad.)

POTUS:  “I’m honored to welcome our newly elected members of Congress, who might be described as 50 Shades of Grey.” (Laughter.)  “Now I’m not saying you’re old but some of you look more like Clint Eastwood than Bradley Cooper.” (More laughter.) 

POTUS: “Okay, without further adieu, let’s bring up our first award presenters.  Two former presidents who are now golfing buddies, enjoying a newfound  “bromance”, welcome Bill Clinton and George W. Bush.” (The Democrats stand up clapping and so do the Republicans but they quickly sit down so no one thinks they are clapping for the wrong party.)

Bill Clinton: “There was only one nominee for the award of Best solo acting performance in a ridiculous filibuster.”

G.W.Bush: “Yeah, I’m still reading that Dr. Seuss classic.”

“And the award goes to Ted Cruz for his reading of Green Eggs and Ham on the Senate floor.” 

POTUS: “Ted, we had time for more than a few tea parties during that speech.”  (Laughter)

“Now, presenting the award for best performance in an on air interview, please welcome disgraced ex-congressman from New York, Anthony Weiner.”  (Someone from the gallery yells, “take off your shirt!” Uneasy laughter.)

Weiner:   “As you know, we New Yorkers don’t pull any punches and that’s why the winner of the “is this mike on?” award goes to my fellow New Yorker, Rep. Michael Grimm. 

Roll clip of Grimm’s performance when he told a reporter, “Let me be clear to you, you ever do that to me again, I’ll throw you over the *%$#ing railing.  I’ll break you in half. Like a boy.”  (Applause.)

POTUS: “Speaking of disgraced, please welcome our next presenter, recently indicted Texas Gov. Rick Perry.”  (Senators and reps. from Texas let out a cowboy whoop.)

Perry:  “Now who doesn’t like an old fashioned, down home scandal?”  That’s why I’m proud to present the Best Actor in a leading role to Gov. Chris Chistie of New Jersey for his performance in “Bridgegate.” 

(Applause interrupted by loud boos from a contingent of NJ teachers in the gallery.)

Christie: “Sit down and shut up!”

(Christie fist bumps POTUS as he leaves the podium with Springsteen’s Glory Days playing.)

POTUS:  “As you know, we reserve a special honor for those who have consistently influenced events with big money and are deserving of a Lifetime (over) Achievement Award.  To present this prestigious award, please welcome Karl Rove!

(Camera goes to Sean Hannity, the only person standing and clapping.)

Rove: “I’m proud to announce this year’s recipients for their unending contributions of millions year after year on hand picked conservative candidates, The Koch Brothers!” 

(All Republicans stand and cheer.)

POTUS: “Almost makes me wish I’d been a Republican.  (Laughter)  “Well, we're running out of time so let’s get right to the finale.

(Applause)

POTUS: “And now, to present the award for Best TV Ad and Best Performance by a woman in a leading role, please put your hands together for the dynamic duo of running mates that entertained us so a few years back, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan!”  (No one claps and no one stands up…).

Romney:  For best TV ad and best performance in a winning acceptance speech, the winner goes to …

Ryan: “Joni Ernst from Iowa for her castrating swine ad and “make ‘em squeal” acceptance speech.”

 (Applause and a few oink oinks from the gallery as Joni awkwardly takes the stage in an Oscar de la Renta gown and bread bags over her high heels.) 

POTUS: “To quote a famous movie line from a few years back, Joni you had me at castration.”

(Laughter)

“Well folks it been a wonderful evening and congratulations to all our winners."

"You’ve been a great audience – God Bless you and God Bless the USA!"

(POTUS dances out of the chamber to the song of the year, Happy by Pharrell Williams).

Now that’s how you get people to watch the SOTU!