I think I can state unequivocally that in our current social
media driven age, the TV rating for any awards show will far exceed the
ratings for the President of the United States delivering his State of the
Union Address.
I have an idea to increase the entertainment value and boost
the TV ratings of the political theater that occurs annually in January. The POTUS would be the master of ceremonies
of the Tony and Oscar’s State of the
Golden Peoples Globe Awards. It would be a red carpet affair with tuxes and
revealing designer gowns and of course, an open bar. Before the POTUS is
introduced, the Speaker of the House and Vice President would warm up the
audience with a hilarious little song and dance harpooning their favorite
Congressman and Senators. (Picture
Biden and Boehner doing a number together with top hats and canes, like Davis
and Wallace in White Christmas.)
Now that the Congressional audience is primed, we bring out
POTUS, who proclaims that the “state of our Union is strong” and then throws
out a few good-natured barbs like; “I
mean strong like Mitt Romney’s offshore bank account” or “as strong as Chris
Christie’s office chair.” (Clapping and
laughter from the gallery, with the camera zooming in on a well-tanned, stone
faced John Boehner.)
POTUS: “Look at
our job creation numbers. Why we’ve
added hundreds of new lawyers alone, just to handle all the alleged rape cases
against Bill Cosby.” (More laughter and
clapping, camera zooms in on a frowning Phylicia Rashad.)
POTUS: “I’m honored to welcome our newly elected
members of Congress, who might be described as 50 Shades of Grey.” (Laughter.) “Now I’m not saying you’re old but some of you look more like
Clint Eastwood than Bradley Cooper.” (More laughter.)
POTUS: “Okay,
without further adieu, let’s bring up our first award presenters. Two former presidents who are now golfing
buddies, enjoying a newfound
“bromance”, welcome Bill Clinton
and George W. Bush.” (The Democrats stand up clapping and so do the
Republicans but they quickly sit down so no one thinks they are clapping for
the wrong party.)
Bill Clinton:
“There was only one nominee for the award of Best solo acting performance in a
ridiculous filibuster.”
G.W.Bush: “Yeah,
I’m still reading that Dr. Seuss classic.”
“And the award goes to Ted
Cruz for his reading of Green Eggs and Ham on the Senate floor.”
POTUS: “Ted, we
had time for more than a few tea parties during that speech.” (Laughter)
“Now, presenting the award for best performance in an on air
interview, please welcome disgraced ex-congressman from New York, Anthony Weiner.” (Someone from the gallery yells, “take off
your shirt!” Uneasy laughter.)
Weiner: “As you know, we New Yorkers don’t pull any
punches and that’s why the winner of the “is this mike on?” award goes to my
fellow New Yorker, Rep. Michael Grimm.
Roll clip of Grimm’s performance when he told a reporter,
“Let me be clear to you, you ever do that to me again, I’ll throw you over the
*%$#ing railing. I’ll break you in
half. Like a boy.” (Applause.)
POTUS: “Speaking of disgraced, please welcome our
next presenter, recently indicted Texas Gov.
Rick Perry.” (Senators and reps.
from Texas let out a cowboy whoop.)
Perry: “Now who doesn’t like an old fashioned, down
home scandal?” That’s why I’m proud to
present the Best Actor in a leading role to Gov. Chris Chistie of New Jersey for his performance in
“Bridgegate.”
(Applause interrupted by loud boos from a contingent of NJ
teachers in the gallery.)
Christie: “Sit
down and shut up!”
(Christie fist bumps POTUS as he leaves the podium with
Springsteen’s Glory Days playing.)
POTUS: “As you know, we reserve a
special honor for those who have consistently influenced events with big money
and are deserving of a Lifetime (over) Achievement Award. To present this prestigious award, please
welcome Karl Rove!
(Camera goes to Sean
Hannity, the only person standing and clapping.)
Rove: “I’m proud to announce this year’s recipients for their unending
contributions of millions year after year on hand picked conservative
candidates, The Koch Brothers!”
(All Republicans stand
and cheer.)
POTUS: “Almost makes me wish I’d been a Republican. (Laughter) “Well, we're
running out of time so let’s get right to the finale.
(Applause)
POTUS: “And now,
to present the award for Best TV Ad and Best Performance by a woman in a
leading role, please put your hands together for the dynamic duo of running
mates that entertained us so a few years back, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan!”
(No one claps and no one stands up…).
Romney: For best TV ad and best performance in a
winning acceptance speech, the winner goes to …
Ryan: “Joni
Ernst from Iowa for her castrating swine ad and “make ‘em squeal” acceptance
speech.”
(Applause and a few
oink oinks from the gallery as Joni awkwardly takes the stage in an Oscar de la
Renta gown and bread bags over her high heels.)
POTUS: “To quote a famous movie line from a few years
back, Joni you had me at castration.”
(Laughter)
“Well folks it been a wonderful evening and congratulations
to all our winners."
"You’ve been a great
audience – God Bless you and God Bless the USA!"
(POTUS dances out of the
chamber to the song of the year, Happy by Pharrell Williams).
Now that’s how you get
people to watch the SOTU!
