If I Ran The Show....

If I ran the show…

(Homage to Theodor Geisel’s “If I Ran The Zoo”)

It’s a pretty good show

Said young Steve E. Reno

And the folks who run it seem like they should know.

But if I ran the show
Said Steve E. Reno
I’d make a few changes
Yes I’d make it so.

The touchdowns and passes and that kind of stuff

And a few cute commercials are not good enough.

You see things like this in any old game

They’re awfully old fashioned and really quite lame.  

 

I'm no Dr. Seuss but this got me thinking of how I would run the  “Super Bowl Zoo.” Here’s my idea to make “Super Bowl Sunday” a blockbuster, food filled, all-inclusive day long televised extravaganza. 

Many people (whose teams are not in the contest) only watch for the commercials, (occurring about every 5 minutes) or the half time shows fraught with potential wardrobe malfunctions and bombastic stage productions.

What if we made this a day long televised event like the Prince William and Kate Middleton wedding coverage?  It would incorporate a football game, the final Fantasy Football game in addition to the NFL Pro Bowl.  It would also include The Grammys, The Oscars and the American Idol finals.

Here’s how the schedule of events would go: 

We would start with the airing of ALL of the political ads. This would begin very early on “Super Sunday” so no one would actually have to watch them.  One entire hour of non-stop attack ads would be more than anyone, of any political ilk could tolerate,  but we might need an hour or more due to the multitude of Republicans running for office.  

Next come the million dollar, 30 second “Super Bowl” commercials which would be divided into categories. The first hour would be Bud Lite, Miller, Coors, Corona, Captain Morgan and all the other booze commercials that get people primed for  “drinking responsibly.” There would be plenty of Clydesdales, puppies, investment babies, most interesting men as well as beautiful young people drinking and partying.

Then would come car commercials featuring actors in tuxes reciting strange monologues while driving and truck commercials with low baritone voice-overs extolling American male virility.  An hour of these ads with low lease deals and no money down will most certainly drive you crazy!  

 

Let’s follow this with “techie” commercials featuring phones, tablets, watches, Cloud storage and data plans that guarantee that no one has to suffer from FOMO. 
 (Fear of missing out - on anything, any time, anywhere.)

Continuing on, we have commercials for fast food, soft drinks, candy and various junk foods.  Here Doritos will be flying, carbonated sugary drinks will be flowing while Subway sandwiches and cheeseburgers will be munched and chomped by busty women in all hilarious and suggestive situations.  

Of course all these fattening food commercials will have to be followed by at least an hour of Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem and other work-out, weight loss programs featuring Oprah, Terry Bradshaw (who also touts getting vaccinated for shingles) and Marie Osmond showing their predictable “before and after” selves.

Ok now it’s 4 hours before the big game and it’s time for the pre-game analysis.  We’ve got Boomer and a napping Ditka and “get’eeem” Phil Simms. We’ve got Ray “the preacher” Lewis, Coach Cower and fast talking Chris Berman. “Here come old flattop, Howie Long with Michael (without Kelly or his friends at GMA) and “don’t touch my hair” Jimmy Johnson. We’ve got Tony Dungee, Troy Aikman and Terry Bradshaw (no shingles please!) We’ve got Frank Caliendo doing his impression of John Madden and “I Feel Good” James Brown.  In rapid fire, blabbering fashion they break down the game, build up their heroes and talk about the keys to the game.  (Note: This might be a good time to take a short nap as the pre-game is going to go on for about 5 hours.)

We now approach  “prime time” and we’re ready for the National Anthem featuring a scantily clad Beyonce in a big production National Anthem dance number. Every once in a while (between gyrations) she sings a few words of the Anthem (out of order.) JayZ joins her on stage to help drag out the “Land of the Free” line after which thousands of drones are released over the stadium, some crashing into the stands.

So we now were ready to trot out all the old ex-players for the coin toss.  Kickoff brings great fanfare and by halftime it’s already a blow out. Bring on the half time show, which will feature hours worth of grandiose performances as well as The Grammy awards while America votes for their favorite American Idol. 

Since Janet Jackson's Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction was so memorable, the halftime show will open with Lenny Kravitz reprising his Command (o) YouTube performance, ripping his black leather pants with the first power chord! After Lenny, Coldplay, Beyonce (and Jay-Z) and a tediously long Bowie tribute, the halftime show continues with; “Ladies and Gentlemen, please focus your attention on the stadium screens as we show clips of our nominees for Best Picture, Best Actor and Actress and Best Supporting Actor and Actress. TV cameras zoom in on J- Law, Bradley Cooper, Leonardo Decaprio and all the other Caucasian nominees.  

4 hours later, we're ready for the 2^nd half of football. But first, let’s introduce this year’s Pro Bowl players who will run up and down the field, do some wild end zone dances and head to the locker room. 

The 2^nd half begins and because we already aired the commercials it lasts about 35 minutes. It ends in a lopsided score of course and now it’s time for Commissioner Roger Goodell to be announced. Just as he hands the trophy to the winning team’s owner, he gets leveled with a helmet to the head blow from Odell Beckem Jr. that knocks him out cold. He’s taken away on a cart to a mix of cheers and boos as the confetti reigns down. 

After the game, when the kids go to bed, we will have the mature audience commercials featuring Viagra, Cialis and Victoria’s Secret models. Make sure you will be ready when the time is right and that your heart is healthy enough to watch these commercials. Call your doctor for a commercial lasting longer than 4 hours.

"What a Super day!"  I say to myself as I make my way up the stairs in a food-induced coma like state. Before going to bed, I remove my bright red “Make The Superbowl Great Again” cap and look in the mirror and say; “I’m Steve E. Reno and I approved this Super Bowl!”