It's gonna be all the rage.....

What is it about strapping into a 3000 pound weapon on wheels that turns normally mild mannered and reasonable people into “raging lunatics”? 

I think every state should have a sign like the one with which we greet out of state drivers in New Hampshire:  “Drive with courtesy, it’s the New Hampshire way.”

I have often espoused the notion that the car horn should only be used as a defensive mechanism and not an offensive and obnoxious manifestation of the driver’s often misplaced anger. Like most things in our civilized society, there are certain unwritten but accepted rules and etiquette.   For example, a light tap on the horn is sufficient to alert the driver "texting" in the car in front of you that the light has turned green. 

There is a certain sign language that we have developed to convey both contrition and outrage to other drivers.  Misinterpretation or poor execution of Charades like mime displays are often cause for driver irritation. Like when I mime “oops” after cutting in front of another car who was in my blind spot and it is either missed or misinterpreted, it may elicit anger from my fellow driver. I’m sure we have all been the signer or the recipient of the universal hand signal for outrage.  Nothing good can come of that particular winged (and flipped) hand signal.  

Now I admit to being as guilty as the next guy  for yelling at other drivers for their vehicular faux pas. I have also been guilty of unintentionally committing my share of offenses which I’m sure elicited profuse and profane outbursts from my fellow drivers.

So here’s my idea: 
 My (patent pending) “RPMS” system.  Roadrage Prevention Marquee System.

All vehicles would be equipped with both a front digital “marquee” like we now have on buses and trolleys to indicate their destination as well as a rear marquee to be read by the driver behind us.  

 

 Since we live in a high tech, digital world one might expect to be able to speak our apology or grievance and our car computer would flash this on the rear marquee for example: “Sorry, I did not see you.” In our front marquee we might display:  “Please use your directional when turning.” (Which would have to be displayed backwards.  That’s why we need a computer.)

Note:  After some serious consideration, I thought that only “canned” selections should be available.  I’m not sure we want everything that we might say being conveyed to our intended (or unintended) recipients. 
 

As drivers we have all negotiated a traffic circle, roundabout or rotary and most know that one should yield to the traffic in the circle.  Many four-letter words have been screamed at offenders who have executed a “failure to yield.”  When we’re on the highway and someone cuts us off, we might yell and speed up to get close to the offending driver.  However, a simple but firm front display of:  “Please be more careful, you just cut me off,” would suffice. 

Just last week I could have used my digital marquee idea when the driver in front apparently took offense to some thing I did (that was unbeknownst to me.) The woman in front of me pulled over abruptly and was holding up the universal hand signal that means “I’m very angry with you right now.”  I was clueless as to  what I might had done.  Was it pulling over for the fire engine or entering back into traffic?  Was I not maintaining the appropriate “4 car lengths” behind rule?  Did she simply not like the “cut of my jib," as Tony Soprano once said to Dr. Melfie? If only she could have sent me a message (from her rear display): “I’m uncomfortable with your proximity to my vehicle.” Then I could have flashed her a message of apology like: “Sorry but I’m unaware of any wrongdoing” or maybe a gentle reminder to her: “Please maintain at least the minimum speed limit.” After I pulled into my destination the woman kept flashing her lights, laid on her horn and gave me an offensive hand signal. Though perhaps too little, too late, my message would have been “Serenity Now!”

 

If the aggrieved driver ahead decides to get out their vehicle and approach your car, you quickly flash them the “Please get back in your vehicle” message on your front display and as you are driving away, flash the message: “Have a nice Day!” 

Drive with courtesy,
Steve E. Reno

What's Irish and stays out all night?

What's Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O' Furniture!

I thought it might be a good opportunity to wish everyone a  Happy St. Patrick's Day and share with you one of my all time favorite puns. One of my favorite (guilty) pleasures in life is sharing an excellent pun or even better, executing a spontaneous pun.

Here is Rick O'Shea's definition of a "pun":
  A pun is a play on words in which a humorous effect is produced by using a word that suggests two or    more meanings or by exploiting similar sounding words having different meanings. Humorous effect created by puns depends upon the ambiguities words entail.

Example: (visual)

My mind works like this:  "a play on words."  How about a theatrical performance or musical called "Punsense- A Play On Words"?   (Not very original but used just for example.) 

Now the measure by which all the best puns are judged is what I call the "groan factor".  That can mean eye rolling, pained verbal outbursts, cringing or slightly delayed laughter. With puns, sometimes the worst are the best (or vice verse.)

There is a certain satisfaction in executing a good pun while in the checkout line at the grocery store, for example.  I feel as if I might make the grocery bagger's day just a little less monotonous if I can elicit a certain "groan factor" or even slight guffaw.  

Here's a true "grocery story":
   I had just put a bag of coffee beans through the grinder and the aroma was still wafting from the bag when the clerk rang it up.  "This smells so good", she said.  To which I replied:  "Yes, but last week I made some for my wife and she said it tasted like mud". I said to her; "that's funny, it was fresh ground this morning."
Unbelievably, the clerk had never heard this one.  It took a few seconds to register and then she burst out laughing.  What a coup and great day in "punhistory"!

Now consider puns, both intended and unintended.   "No pun intended" is especially effective when one accidentally executes a good one and realizes how unintentionally clever they were. 
One might say; "I can't find any change for the meter... this makes no sense." (which might be followed by "no pun intended.") Who was the first one to "coin" a phrase, I wonder?

Comedian, Steven Wright may just be the king of the intended pun.  Consider some of these (and imagine his deadpan delivery):

 I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
 I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
 You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I have found both Facebook and e-mail to be excellent venues for interactive fun with puns.  People love to add a clever comment to a post and the intended pun can generate lots of other funny (and "punny")  comments.  My friend and I once had a "battle of the puns" via e-mail (subject was dogs).  I had to concede defeat after a string a a dozen or more e-mails back and forth.  In my final concession e-mail, I did throw him a bone with one last one, just to say I got in the last pun.

I'll leave you to your corned beef, cabbage and Guinness with some of these clever (and "cringeworthy") gems:
I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seat belt work... then it clicked.
Frog Parking Only..all others will be toad.
The girl said she knew me from the vegetarian restaurant, but I’d never met herbivore.
Two peanuts were walking down the street, one was a salted. 
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will remain stationary. 
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 
A short fortune teller escaped prison... now she's a small medium at large.  
(somebody stop me... I've got a million of them!)

Thank you folks, I'm here all week.
Steve E. Reno

Tom Hanks for President!

Welcome to my new blog!
I had some working titles in mind for  my blog like:
"Curmudgeon Musings" or "Memos from The President of the Horses Asses Society"
but I thought I'd just call it "All Write By Me."

 I thought it would be a good exercise to write about some of the (half baked) ideas that I'm pondering in an expanded format.  (Sometimes Facebook posting is just too limiting. )

I thought I'd start by expanding on my idea of electing (our favorite) actors every 4 years, to be the President of the United States. (or POTUS as we "texters" now refer to this office.)  This idea obviously started with Ronald Reagan and though he could not be POTUS but only a governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
(Note: He was "President Schwarzenegger" in the Simpson's movie.) 
So in my scheme of things, Reagan was like our George Washington (1st actor/president). 

Editor's Note:  If the voting public had any sense back in the '40's, they would have elected Jimmy Stewart as POTUS after his performance as "Jefferson Smith" in Mr. Smith Goes To Washington.

Arnie is just one of many actors who have "played" politicians in "Cal-e-forn-e-a".

Rounding out the Mt. Rushmore of California, we had Sonny Bono as mayor of Palm Springs and Clint Eastwood as the mayor of Carmel.  My current favorite active actor/politician is Al Franken ("Stuart Smalley" ) who is a senator from Minnesota.  (Don't forget who "set the stage" for celebrity politicians in Minnesota; that would be Jesse Ventura (actor and pro wrestler) who was the governor of Minnesota.)  By the way,  Fred Thompson (of  Law & Order fame), is the last actor that I can recall who actually ran for POTUS.  Thankfully that did not happen and we only have to listen to him hawking reverse mortgages.

So here is my nominee for the first (rather 2nd) actor president:  Tom Hanks.  Who doesn't like TH?!

He can be funny, dramatic and and patriotic.  Tom Hanks delivering the State of the Union address would be great television. (Just as it was when we watched Ronnie do it back in the 80's.)  He has a record of service to his country (Saving Private Ryan and Forest Gump) and we know he can survive just about anything (Castaway and The Terminal).  One more thing to his credit is that he (like John Glenn, an Ohio Senator) was an astronaut.  (Apollo 13.) . 

Note to readers:  The actor/president would not be affiliated with any political party.  As we have seen, partisan politics is counter-productive.  He also will espouse no particular political views. His sole purpose is to give a good patriotic speech, look presidential and put forth a positive image to the rest of the world. 

So thinking ahead four years when we need to elect another actor president, I think it will be the right time for our first woman president.  Who could we elect that would be better as the first female POTUS than Meryl Streep ?

She has plenty of experience to hold the job.  After all, her performance as Margaret Thatcher was inspirational.  She would bring another skill to the table in regard to delivering the State of the Union address;
she is a master at accents.  (Think Sophie's Choice.) And don't forget that she's a great cook!  (Julie & Julia)

I know what a lot of  you will be saying: "what about actors who have actually played the POTUS in movies and on television?"  To you I say YES!  My first candidate for president who actually played the role will be Martin Sheen!  He was a great president on West Wing.   (Fiery and Liberal!)

Another West Wing alumni who deserves our consideration would be Jimmy Smits.  After all, he did get elected as "President Santos" and was very believable.  (He would be appealing not only to Latino voters but women voters as well. )

And who can forget the fantastic female president played by Geena Davis in Commander in Chief.  I would certainly feel good about giving her four years as POTUS. (First redhead in the Oval Office?)

There are many others for consideration in the field of candidates who have played the POTUS.  For example, Michael Douglas as the first single and dating POTUS (The American President).  Annette Benning could then be the First Lady!

How about Kevin Kline who played the "accidental" fill in with an uncanny resemblance to the real (fictional) POTUS who had gone into a coma in the movie Dave?  Sigourney Weaver would be a credible First Lady.

So in my scheme of things, now that we have broken down the barriers of race and gender, we would be remiss if we did not elect a Native American actor/president.  Here's my first nominee:  Adam Beach.
You may not recognize his name but you'll know the face.  He, like Tom Hanks has military background, appearing in Windtalkers.  He was also in Law & Order.

Okay, now we've addressed color, race and gender, we have not specifically considered "creed".  Consider these nominees for first actor/president of Jewish decent:
Harrison Ford (whose mother was Jewish) could be a shoe-in as he played the president in Air Force One and would be well respected worldwide as Indiana Jones.

Mandy Patinkin? (wouldn't Saul make a good president?)

On the other hand, here is one actor who could not get my vote:  Frank Langella.  (Remember he played Nixon?)  I just would not be able to see him as a "good guy" president, like Tom Hanks.

Here's one for your consideration.  Daniel Day-Lewis.  He played a fantastic, yet dark and gloomy, Abe Lincoln and he could certainly deliver a great speech! (He would have to stay in Lincoln character in order  to get my vote. We can't have a POTUS with a British accent!)

Now I know some of you are going to suggest that someone like Dana Carvey would make a good president. Seriously?!  Just because he did a spot-on impersonation of George H.W. Bush?
(or Will Farrell because he did George W. Bush so well?)  No. We need to take this seriously.
That eliminates most comedians although Al Franken (mentioned above) proves that comedy does not rule out electability. 

Billions of dollars are wasted on presidential campaigns.  Imagine the good we could do with all those campaign dollars.  The actor/ presidential election would not require any campaigning.  It would be strictly a low budget popularity contest with no audition necessary.   The second highest vote getter would assume the role of vice-president and his or her duties would be essentially the same.  Once we have enough actor/presidents having held the office, we can let history judge their performance with another awards show, not unlike the Oscars. (I'm taking suggestions for the name of the award.)



So as Tom Hanks (as Forest Gump) said: "that's all I have to say about that."

But I'd like to hear your suggestions for actors who would make great presidents.
(Remember that they will be around for four years so it's a choice not to be taken lightly. ) 

Steve E. Reno