You would think I would look like Mr. Universe from all my
years of being a “gym rat. ” But I just look like any other 61-year-old
American male who could "mix in a few more salads." (I would like to think that if nothing else, I might have
prevented a heart attack or two.) I
just enjoy the whole sweaty, smelly experience. It’s all about the endorphins as the conventional wisdom goes. As
I tell some of my “buddies” in the locker room, “this is the best part of my
day. Things tend to go downhill from
here.”
As a kid I used to lift old-fashioned barbells and pump iron
in my dingy basement with my Joe Weider book of exercises. Like most kids of my era, our exercise was
playing on playgrounds and playing sports. After my high school athletic
career (which was highly
undistinguished), and while my knees and other joints still functioned
pain-free, I loved playing basketball, tennis and touch football.
For some genetic reason, I’m not a “runner”, though the
romantic notion of it appeals to me. The experience of “runner’s high ” has always eluded me, as I
have yet to run far or long enough. (Scratch that off my bucket list.) But I do
love “running shoes” and love getting new ones!
I’ve often heard that one can become more flexible by
stretching and/or yoga. I refute this
conventional wisdom and would compare my degree of limberness and flexibility
to that of a dry twig. I have not yet
ruled out yoga, but I have ruled out Lululemon yoga pants. (That would be sheer madness!) Perhaps I’ll
add yoga to the bucket list.
As the “fitness craze” progressed in the 80’s and 90’s (many
thanks to Jane Fonda) we got a new “state of the art” fitness club in
Portsmouth.
We had a basketball
court, racquetball courts, pool, sauna, hot tub, cardio machines, weight
machines, free weights, spin classes and a beautiful new aerobics studio. I took up racquetball (I was not very good)
and played some pick up basketball (illustrating the “white man can’t jump theory.”)
I also took up step aerobics (and realized my lack of coordination.) However, I was probably
in the best shape of my “mid-life life.”
I used to jump out of bed a few minutes before 6 and try to make it to
the 6:05 a.m. step class. Not only was
I the token male in the class, I was usually the last in the door, making a
sheepish entrance. (I was late, but
predictably and faithfully.) Unfortunately, “state of the art” fell into a
“state of neglect” with a premium price tag.
Along came Planet Fitness with a near perfect business
plan: Get folks to commit to
membership, make it cheap enough to eliminate the guilt factor of
non-attendance while making it comfortable and inclusive for all. Add lots of big screen, high def TV’s, with
reality shows, sports and Fox news and you’ve got a recipe for success.
Brilliant and judgment-free!
Since modern medicine is going to keep all of us “Boomers”
alive until we’re 100, I work out with the goal of being mobile enough to be an
“old geezer gym rat.” (Think Mr.
Mendlebaum on Seinfeld.)
From all my varied gym experiences I have compiled a few
(judgement-free zone) etiquette requests:
1)
(Locker room) Please do not sit on a bench and carry on a
conversation with me (or anyone else) unless you at least have a towel on.
2)
Do not walk away from a machine without cleaning up the gallon
of sweat that you’ve left in a puddle on the floor. (Yes, we’ve all seen it.)
3)
Please don’t forget the deodorant. (Even though we are working
up a sweat, there’s no need give off a gag inducing odor that lives on long
after you have moved on.)
4)
Please refrain from air guitar, air drumming or other
attention attracting maneuvers while blasting Metallica in you ear buds at near
concert level decibels.
5)
Men- please do not wear “short short” running shorts
(especially with black socks or knee highs of any color) and conversely, do not
wear “capri” shorts that go mid-calf.
Ladies, please use good judgment in regard to the Lululemon pants and
“tat” exposure.)
6)
While it’s good to “change things up,” please don’t get too
creative or inventive with the machines.
7)
Please remove the 2000 pounds of weight that you’ve put on the
leg press machine. Not everyone is that
“into leg day.”
8)
Please try to curtail flatulence as a courtesy to your
treadmill neighbors. It is unfair to
unleash an unspoken “who done it” mystery only leading to “guilt by
proximity.” (Yes, recently I’m sure I
was falsely, yet wordlessly accused by the woman next to me.)
See you at the (“we’re not a”) gym and stayed tuned for
details of my newly developed program “ FN30X”
(My patented Fox News Fair and Balanced workout routine.)
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