"When the time is right, will you be ready?"

364 days a year, it is safe to say that we all dislike the intrusive interruptions of ads, be they TV ads, radio ads, website ads, spam e-mails or billboards.  Then on the one day of the NFL championship, we can’t get enough of them. Many folks now watch the Super Bowl, not for the football game, but for the commercials, which given the hype, never fail to disappoint. Not since the last presidential campaign has such an excessive amount of (Corporate) money been wasted.

There have been many memorable ads and ad campaigns over the years, which included clever jingles or catch phrases that have withstood the test of time, e.g. Tony the Tiger bellowing;
 “They’re G-R-E-A-T or M & M’s claiming that; “They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.”  

I have to wonder about the longevity of some of our “modern” ads, like 2 claw-foot bathtubs on a hill, talking geckos, camels, pigs and talking baby online investors, to name a few.

 

Now there are some ad campaigns that I really dislike and that always elicit a negative comment.  (See my previous blog, “Where’s the dislike button?”) The “mayhem man” is a prime example. In this case I dislike it so much I can scarcely remember which insurance company employs the mayhem man scare tactic.  (I’d like to send the Jolly Green Giant or Mr. Clean over to push him down the stairs one more time.)

Maybe it’s just me, but I find the Direct TV “get rid of cable” commercials, especially annoying. “When you pay too much for cable, you feel down. When you feel down you stay in bed. When you stay in bed they give your job to someone new. When they give your job to someone new he has a lot to learn. When he has a lot to learn mistakes are made. And when mistakes are made you get body slammed by a lowland Gorilla.

Don’t Get Body Slammed by a Lowland Gorilla.”

My response: “When you watch a Direct TV ad, you get annoyed.  When you get annoyed, you throw things at your TV. When you destroy your expensive flat screen TV, you can’t watch cable or Direct TV. When you can’t watch cable or Direct TV, you have to read a book.  When you read a book, you get smarter.  Don’t buy cable, Direct TV or The Dish Network. Be smarter.”

Commercials for new drugs with cryptic names that have side effects that seem much worse than the chronic condition they are meant to assuage are especially uncomfortable. “Common side effects include:

Dizziness, headache, nausea, dry mouth, constipation, diarrhea, heartburn, fainting upon standing, excessive bleeding, shortness of breath, insomnia or seizures.”

“Stop taking (new cryptic drug name) and call your doctor (or any doctor!) if you experience: Unusual changes in behavior, thoughts of suicide, stroke, heart-attack or sudden urge to gamble.” 

 I think most of us agree that we’ll just stick with our joint pain or restless leg syndrome, thank you. 

Local commercials, especially ones involving car dealerships starring the owner with the bad accent and goofy antics, should be banned.  (That goes for furniture stores, as well.) I’m sure you all have your local favorites.  In New England we have Ernie Boch, (and Ernie Boch Jr.) “Come on down!”   We now have the owner of the local Toyota dealership pronouncing his business as “Toyoter of Potsmuth”. 

Car commercials in general are much too frequent and often misleading. Lease a ($50, 000) car for only $99 a month. (How much due at signing?!) Why not buy your wife a ($60,000) luxury SUV for Christmas?  Wrap it up with a big bow and put it in the driveway.  Not too shabby.  How about the car commercial where son comes home and finds the house empty while his parents steal his car and drive away?  “He’ll be fine”, the father says. (Home Alone, the commercial.) 

Sappy jewelry ads, with dim lighting and saccharine music (every kiss begins with Kay) are also cringe worthy. Do we really care whether “he went to Jared?!” It is uncomfortable to watch the commercial with the (Kay) couple riding out a thunderstorm in their woodsy cabin. When lighting strikes the woman seeks comfort in the man’s arms. “I’m right here”, he coos, “and I always will be.”  Out comes the necklace and up comes our lunch.

I dislike the ads for hot dogs with songs that although are sung in English, sound like they are being sung in a fictitious, Game of Thrones language. 

Why is it that ads for any product having to do with the cleanliness of our posteriors always sound better when the person is speaking in a British accent?  Talking about “bum wipes” seems acceptable when delivered by Cherry, in her perfect British accent. Have you seen the hilarious ad for great product, 

“Poo Pourri”?  Only a woman (sitting on a toilet) speaking with a perfect upper class, British accent could pull this off.

And my personal, most offensive ad: Goya’s ad featuring a big, heaping pot of red beans that the family is salivating over in anticipation.  New rule, Madison Avenue: No bean ads!  (Bean-O gas prevention ads are ok though!)

Stop reading this blog and call your doctor if you experience nausea or feel compelled to gamble.

Steve E. Reno

The names have been changed (to protect the innocent)…

By:  B. Moore Phunny

A friend of mine said that he’d been following my blog and enjoyed it but he suggested, “you could even be more funny.”  Hmmm, I thought, good name and good idea for a blog! 

I was reminded of a Simpsons episode that opens with Homer and Bart watching PBS and Homer yells: “Stupid TV- be more funny!”  It’s hard to "B. Moore Phunny"  than the Simpsons. I always love the recurring prank where Bart calls Moe’s Tavern asking to speak to “Al Coholic” or “Bea O’Problem. “

One of most entertaining shows on the radio is Car Talk, with “Click and Clack, the Tappet” brothers. (Tom and Ray Maggliozzi.) They love to laugh and their laughs are infectious.  They close every show with dozens of creative and hilarious names for their radio show staff, some of the more memorable of which are: Chief Legal Counsel, "Huey Louis Dewey" of the law firm, “Dewey, Cheetham and Howe”, customer care representative, “Haywood Jabuzoff”  and Chief Accountant, "Candace B. Rittenoff." (Read them all at: www.cartalk.com)

My appreciation for amusing names started at a young age.  My grandfather (who we affectionately called “Dan Dan”) was a great prankster and joker.  (We knew “Dan Dan’s”  brother as “Uncle Snoozer.”) We would pass a large nursery/garden center each time we went to my grandparents’ house.  The company sign read: Leonard Dunno Nurseries.  Whenever “Dan Dan” saw that sign he’d say, “Leonard dunno nothin’ ‘bout nurseries.”  We’d both have a good laugh at that and it never got old.  He also delighted in calling me “Icabod” (I’m not sure why).  I know that “Dan Dan” would have been a big Car Talk fan.

We’ve all seen real names for which we think that parents should be tried in a court of law under “cruel and unusual punishment.” For example, Mr. and Mrs. Dover are anticipating the birth of their baby boy.  Should the name "Benjamin" even be a consideration?!  In fact, there are many last names (like Butz) or first names (like Seymour) that should be handled with care. Consider the impact of names of people running for public office.  I saw a ballot with guy named Richard White, running on the Republican ticket… (A Rich White Republican, perfect!).  On a similar note, if you have a last name that is synonymous with a famous product made by Oscar Meyer, you might think twice about running for political office.  (And certainly, if you (Anthony) do get elected, try to refrain from “sexting!”)  

Growing up, my kids loved hearing the stories of my childhood friends with nicknames like:  Juni, Moo Moo, Fuzzy and Barney.  (Nicknames have a tendency to stick for life, like Gorilla Glue.)  After 40 or more years, I located one of these old school friends on Facebook, sending him a message that read, “Moo Moo – it’s me Steve!”  Likewise, I would enjoy the nicknames and fun names of my kids’ school friends.   One day I ran into one of my son’s friends who was affectionately given a nickname that was a euphemism for part of the female anatomy, (a la the famous Seinfeld episode.)  I could remember his last name but could not conjure up his real first name. So I said, “Mr. Armisan, how are you!”  So it goes, with nicknames. 

Naming pets is especially fun because you can get as creative as you like and your pets don’t seem to mind.  When I’m out walking my dog, I run into people I see often and I usually remember their dog’s name but not the owner's name. I once called a woman “Lily” and as she walked away, I was embarrassed by the realization that Lily was the dog’s name!  Pet names and human names can get confusing.  I once had a cat, (which was out of character for me) and I named him “Mr. Bones.” On one occasion I had to take him to vet. I brought him up the young receptionist and she queried, “Name please.” Without hesitation, (and in all seriousness), I replied, “Mr. Bones.” The girl looked up at me with disdain and said with an unmistakable irritability, “Your name, not the cat’s name.”  And so it goes with pet names. 

If you have a potentially funny last name and survive your adolescence unscathed from ridicule and humiliation, you think you’re home free, right?

Then you meet your soul mate and decide to tie the knot and put your announcement and picture in the paper to share with the world. Consider some of these (real) wedding announcements: (Imagine Jay Leno delivering these and they will “B. Moore Phunny!”)

“Maureen E. Hooker and Steven D. Traylor were united in marriage. “

(The Traylor- Hooker wedding.)

“Mandy R. Poore to marry Warren L. Sap.”

 (The Poore-Sap wedding.)

“A summer wedding is planned for Shelby Warde and her fiancée Joe Looney.”

(The Looney-Warde wedding.)

“Stacey Sharpe and Jason Payne announce their engagement.”

 (The Sharpe-Payne wedding.)  

“Crystal Butts and Levi McCracken exchange vows.”

  (The Butts-McCracken wedding.) 

Now that I’ve whetted your appetite for funny names, check out some of the many Internet lists.  You can start with “A”, (first name Anita, last name Bathe) and work your way up through “L”, (first name Lucy, last name Furr) all the way to “X”, (X. Benedict.) 

One final question; are you Gladys Overwith?

Steve E. Reno

An (oxy)moronic tale....

One of my goals for starting a blog was for it to be seriously funny but I thought that would be an oxymoron. Now who doesn’t like a good oxymoron now and then?   By definition, an oxymoron is:  A figure of speech in which incongruous or seemingly contradictory terms appear side by side, a compressed paradox.

Did you know that the plural that term is “oxymora”?  So if you use the term “oxymorons” than you may be exactly wrong!

Now there are a few more things that I learned about oxymora.  I first went to the king of linguistic literary trivia, Richard Lederer.  (He refers to himself as: "The Wizard of Idiom," "Attila the Pun," and "Conan the Grammarian.)  This guy is one of my favorites as he wrote an entire book dedicated to puns titled: Get Thee To A Punnery.” It should be noted that oxymora can come in the form of single compound words like “bridegroom” or they can be combinations of opposite words like “wicked good”, (a classic New England term used on a daily basis!) 

Whole sentences can also create oxymoronic humor. Here’s a classic example by 
Rodney (“I get no respect”) Dangerfield, who died Oct. 5, 2004. 

 We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations. We're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Another linguistic hero and champion of irreverent humor was George Carlin, who died on June 22, 2008.  Remember his bit about the 7 words you can’t say on television?  Thanks to HBO, that taboo has sailed. (Now that was a good example of a mixed metaphor, and I never metaphor I did not like, but we’ll leave that for another blog.) 

How about this famously clever George Carlin oxymoron?

 "How is it possible to have a civil war?"   (Or a “Holy War?”)

So I wondered, could I write a terribly good story using as many oxymora as possible? 

(Note: It will help if you picture George Carlin delivering this story; it will be more amusing.)

A Damned Good Story

Jeanne Poole was a student teacher and her course was speechwriting.   She primarily used Microsoft Works to prepare the final draft of her lectures. Each lecture started with the words: “Now then, let us begin.”  Ultimately she hoped to break through the old boy network to one day pursue a career writing press releases.

One night she ate a number of disparate things in random order.  Soon afterward she got a gentle turbulence in her stomach, which got increasingly worse. She decided her only choice was to drive herself to the hospital. The anxious patient ran out to her Dodge Ram pickup, (which she had bought sight unseen.) Turning a blind eye to the weather, she drove off at a deliberate speed and faced the inevitable possibility that she might have a crash landing, leaving her fatally injured. If she went off the road, she hoped that her truck would only receive minimal front-end damage that would not cost her a small fortune. She did not want to be found missing or floating to the bottom of a pond. She hoped that she would not run into anyone she knew as she was wearing loose tights under her tight slacks. That would be pretty ugly! 

She felt that her malaise might be a common abnormality but then again, it may have been food poisoning from either the boneless ribs or fresh frozen jumbo shrimp she had for dinner the previous night.  She was clearly confused, as she had made the deliberate mistake of eating a cold hotdog with hot chili sauce for breakfast, which she had done countless numbers of times before.  This was a new tradition that she wished she had skipped! She thought she could at least make it to the Mobil Station if she needed a bathroom.  But there was nothing much left in her system.  It was almost exactly the same thing that had happened to her last time she ate some bad turkey ham.  Was it bad judgment or merely bad luck, she wondered?

She finally reached the hospital, which was one of her least favorite places.  She had a love hate relationship with all things medical. As she waited she thought to herself, “this is another fine mess I’ve gotten myself into.”  She went over to the water cooler and used of those little plastic glasses to get a drink.  She felt as if she was a low priority and if she was able to get seen in less that 4 hours it would be a minor miracle.  She was surprised to be called after a brief wait, which was rarely done and examined by a young doctor, who turned out to be a sensitive guy.   He gave her even odds that her digestive system had an uninvited guest and that he was almost certain that the ultimate remedy was doing nothing.  He prescribed a wholesome yogurt smoothy and rest, which would be a relaxing exercise.  

She left the E.R. with a bittersweet feeling of being poorer but relieved.  As she came to a rolling stop at the intersection, she tuned in her favorite soft rock station on the radio and blasted  “Happy” by Pharrell, which was destined to be an instant classic!

I hope you’ll say; “wicked good story, Steve E. Reno!”