"When the time is right, will you be ready?"

364 days a year, it is safe to say that we all dislike the intrusive interruptions of ads, be they TV ads, radio ads, website ads, spam e-mails or billboards.  Then on the one day of the NFL championship, we can’t get enough of them. Many folks now watch the Super Bowl, not for the football game, but for the commercials, which given the hype, never fail to disappoint. Not since the last presidential campaign has such an excessive amount of (Corporate) money been wasted.

There have been many memorable ads and ad campaigns over the years, which included clever jingles or catch phrases that have withstood the test of time, e.g. Tony the Tiger bellowing;
 “They’re G-R-E-A-T or M & M’s claiming that; “They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.”  

I have to wonder about the longevity of some of our “modern” ads, like 2 claw-foot bathtubs on a hill, talking geckos, camels, pigs and talking baby online investors, to name a few.

 

Now there are some ad campaigns that I really dislike and that always elicit a negative comment.  (See my previous blog, “Where’s the dislike button?”) The “mayhem man” is a prime example. In this case I dislike it so much I can scarcely remember which insurance company employs the mayhem man scare tactic.  (I’d like to send the Jolly Green Giant or Mr. Clean over to push him down the stairs one more time.)

Maybe it’s just me, but I find the Direct TV “get rid of cable” commercials, especially annoying. “When you pay too much for cable, you feel down. When you feel down you stay in bed. When you stay in bed they give your job to someone new. When they give your job to someone new he has a lot to learn. When he has a lot to learn mistakes are made. And when mistakes are made you get body slammed by a lowland Gorilla.

Don’t Get Body Slammed by a Lowland Gorilla.”

My response: “When you watch a Direct TV ad, you get annoyed.  When you get annoyed, you throw things at your TV. When you destroy your expensive flat screen TV, you can’t watch cable or Direct TV. When you can’t watch cable or Direct TV, you have to read a book.  When you read a book, you get smarter.  Don’t buy cable, Direct TV or The Dish Network. Be smarter.”

Commercials for new drugs with cryptic names that have side effects that seem much worse than the chronic condition they are meant to assuage are especially uncomfortable. “Common side effects include:

Dizziness, headache, nausea, dry mouth, constipation, diarrhea, heartburn, fainting upon standing, excessive bleeding, shortness of breath, insomnia or seizures.”

“Stop taking (new cryptic drug name) and call your doctor (or any doctor!) if you experience: Unusual changes in behavior, thoughts of suicide, stroke, heart-attack or sudden urge to gamble.” 

 I think most of us agree that we’ll just stick with our joint pain or restless leg syndrome, thank you. 

Local commercials, especially ones involving car dealerships starring the owner with the bad accent and goofy antics, should be banned.  (That goes for furniture stores, as well.) I’m sure you all have your local favorites.  In New England we have Ernie Boch, (and Ernie Boch Jr.) “Come on down!”   We now have the owner of the local Toyota dealership pronouncing his business as “Toyoter of Potsmuth”. 

Car commercials in general are much too frequent and often misleading. Lease a ($50, 000) car for only $99 a month. (How much due at signing?!) Why not buy your wife a ($60,000) luxury SUV for Christmas?  Wrap it up with a big bow and put it in the driveway.  Not too shabby.  How about the car commercial where son comes home and finds the house empty while his parents steal his car and drive away?  “He’ll be fine”, the father says. (Home Alone, the commercial.) 

Sappy jewelry ads, with dim lighting and saccharine music (every kiss begins with Kay) are also cringe worthy. Do we really care whether “he went to Jared?!” It is uncomfortable to watch the commercial with the (Kay) couple riding out a thunderstorm in their woodsy cabin. When lighting strikes the woman seeks comfort in the man’s arms. “I’m right here”, he coos, “and I always will be.”  Out comes the necklace and up comes our lunch.

I dislike the ads for hot dogs with songs that although are sung in English, sound like they are being sung in a fictitious, Game of Thrones language. 

Why is it that ads for any product having to do with the cleanliness of our posteriors always sound better when the person is speaking in a British accent?  Talking about “bum wipes” seems acceptable when delivered by Cherry, in her perfect British accent. Have you seen the hilarious ad for great product, 

“Poo Pourri”?  Only a woman (sitting on a toilet) speaking with a perfect upper class, British accent could pull this off.

And my personal, most offensive ad: Goya’s ad featuring a big, heaping pot of red beans that the family is salivating over in anticipation.  New rule, Madison Avenue: No bean ads!  (Bean-O gas prevention ads are ok though!)

Stop reading this blog and call your doctor if you experience nausea or feel compelled to gamble.

Steve E. Reno