The names have been changed (to protect the innocent)…

By:  B. Moore Phunny

A friend of mine said that he’d been following my blog and enjoyed it but he suggested, “you could even be more funny.”  Hmmm, I thought, good name and good idea for a blog! 

I was reminded of a Simpsons episode that opens with Homer and Bart watching PBS and Homer yells: “Stupid TV- be more funny!”  It’s hard to "B. Moore Phunny"  than the Simpsons. I always love the recurring prank where Bart calls Moe’s Tavern asking to speak to “Al Coholic” or “Bea O’Problem. “

One of most entertaining shows on the radio is Car Talk, with “Click and Clack, the Tappet” brothers. (Tom and Ray Maggliozzi.) They love to laugh and their laughs are infectious.  They close every show with dozens of creative and hilarious names for their radio show staff, some of the more memorable of which are: Chief Legal Counsel, "Huey Louis Dewey" of the law firm, “Dewey, Cheetham and Howe”, customer care representative, “Haywood Jabuzoff”  and Chief Accountant, "Candace B. Rittenoff." (Read them all at: www.cartalk.com)

My appreciation for amusing names started at a young age.  My grandfather (who we affectionately called “Dan Dan”) was a great prankster and joker.  (We knew “Dan Dan’s”  brother as “Uncle Snoozer.”) We would pass a large nursery/garden center each time we went to my grandparents’ house.  The company sign read: Leonard Dunno Nurseries.  Whenever “Dan Dan” saw that sign he’d say, “Leonard dunno nothin’ ‘bout nurseries.”  We’d both have a good laugh at that and it never got old.  He also delighted in calling me “Icabod” (I’m not sure why).  I know that “Dan Dan” would have been a big Car Talk fan.

We’ve all seen real names for which we think that parents should be tried in a court of law under “cruel and unusual punishment.” For example, Mr. and Mrs. Dover are anticipating the birth of their baby boy.  Should the name "Benjamin" even be a consideration?!  In fact, there are many last names (like Butz) or first names (like Seymour) that should be handled with care. Consider the impact of names of people running for public office.  I saw a ballot with guy named Richard White, running on the Republican ticket… (A Rich White Republican, perfect!).  On a similar note, if you have a last name that is synonymous with a famous product made by Oscar Meyer, you might think twice about running for political office.  (And certainly, if you (Anthony) do get elected, try to refrain from “sexting!”)  

Growing up, my kids loved hearing the stories of my childhood friends with nicknames like:  Juni, Moo Moo, Fuzzy and Barney.  (Nicknames have a tendency to stick for life, like Gorilla Glue.)  After 40 or more years, I located one of these old school friends on Facebook, sending him a message that read, “Moo Moo – it’s me Steve!”  Likewise, I would enjoy the nicknames and fun names of my kids’ school friends.   One day I ran into one of my son’s friends who was affectionately given a nickname that was a euphemism for part of the female anatomy, (a la the famous Seinfeld episode.)  I could remember his last name but could not conjure up his real first name. So I said, “Mr. Armisan, how are you!”  So it goes, with nicknames. 

Naming pets is especially fun because you can get as creative as you like and your pets don’t seem to mind.  When I’m out walking my dog, I run into people I see often and I usually remember their dog’s name but not the owner's name. I once called a woman “Lily” and as she walked away, I was embarrassed by the realization that Lily was the dog’s name!  Pet names and human names can get confusing.  I once had a cat, (which was out of character for me) and I named him “Mr. Bones.” On one occasion I had to take him to vet. I brought him up the young receptionist and she queried, “Name please.” Without hesitation, (and in all seriousness), I replied, “Mr. Bones.” The girl looked up at me with disdain and said with an unmistakable irritability, “Your name, not the cat’s name.”  And so it goes with pet names. 

If you have a potentially funny last name and survive your adolescence unscathed from ridicule and humiliation, you think you’re home free, right?

Then you meet your soul mate and decide to tie the knot and put your announcement and picture in the paper to share with the world. Consider some of these (real) wedding announcements: (Imagine Jay Leno delivering these and they will “B. Moore Phunny!”)

“Maureen E. Hooker and Steven D. Traylor were united in marriage. “

(The Traylor- Hooker wedding.)

“Mandy R. Poore to marry Warren L. Sap.”

 (The Poore-Sap wedding.)

“A summer wedding is planned for Shelby Warde and her fiancée Joe Looney.”

(The Looney-Warde wedding.)

“Stacey Sharpe and Jason Payne announce their engagement.”

 (The Sharpe-Payne wedding.)  

“Crystal Butts and Levi McCracken exchange vows.”

  (The Butts-McCracken wedding.) 

Now that I’ve whetted your appetite for funny names, check out some of the many Internet lists.  You can start with “A”, (first name Anita, last name Bathe) and work your way up through “L”, (first name Lucy, last name Furr) all the way to “X”, (X. Benedict.) 

One final question; are you Gladys Overwith?

Steve E. Reno