I hate to "Bud" in.....but WASSSUP!

If I had a dollar for every Budweiser can I’ve picked up that’s been discarded into the environment, I’d be rich enough to buy a team of Clydesdales or buy a 30 second ad during the Super Bowl. 

If you asked me (go ahead, ask me, I dare you) to identify one reason that the world is going to hell in a hand-basket, I’d simply say; “Budweiser.”

Now why am I demonizing Budweiser, which is a ridiculously popular part of life in America, as we know it?

(Bud Light has a 19.7 % share of the beer market.) What could possibly more American than the picture of the dude coming out of the convenience store carrying his 24 pak of Bud Light cans? 

I am often espousing this “truth” to anyone that will listen. My theory is that anywhere in the world, from the most remote to the most densely populated areas, if you look hard enough you’ll stumble across an empty, crushed Budweiser can. (Bud bottles are a slightly less plentiful perhaps because they are a little less portable and tend to shatter when thrown on the ground by the inebriated drinker.)

When Neil Armstrong first set foot on the moon, do you know what he found? An empty Bud can in one of the lunar craters!  “That’s one small step for man….one more goddamned empty beer can!” Now that’s an exaggerated rewrite of history but if  “man” does establish any kind of habitat on the moon or any other planet, I’m confident that my prognostication may come true.  

 

I used to walk my dog in the local cemetery and it was a daily ritual of picking up the empty beer cans.  Granted, even though they were “Light”, (or less filling), it gave me no particular satisfaction.  I’m sure that the “dead” were not “grateful” for those littering their resting place with nightly visits by those who may have missed the Bud ad that states; “Where there’s life, there’s Bud.”

The notion of “drinking responsibly” was a feeble attempt to justify Anheuser-Bush’s ads that have been increasingly geared toward the “now old enough to drink legally,” Spring Break loving college age kids. But Bud Light can also boast that it is the drink of choice for the unauthorized high school party taking place when the “rents” go away for the weekend. 

Now to be fair, Miller Lite (“tastes great…less filling.”) cans are often found in similar abundance on roadsides, woodsy trails and in parking lots. Can we extrapolate the of quantity of beer cans sold to quantity of beer cans callously and unceremoniously left for dead in the environment?  After all, isn’t even negative advertising, good advertising?  To the easily influenced, seeing more discarded Bud Light cans than Miller Lite cans in a pile in the woods would certainly influence their next purchase of a 24 pak –they would buy Bud Light!  

Can you imagine life without beer commercials or billboards?   Could we live in a world where they did not sell Bud Light at the ballpark in a plastic cup for $10 apiece? Could we endure the Super Bowl without the “Bud Bowl,” talking frogs or the adorable Clydesdale commercials?  Imagine what John Lennon might say:

Imagine there's no Bud Bowl

It isn't hard to do
Nothing but ads for Best Buy
And no tailgating too
Imagine all the viewers

   Drinking responsibly… 

Ok, inventors, let’s put on our thinking caps and come up with some solutions.  
 Here are my ideas:

Let’s design a “self-destructing” Budweiser container that will disintegrate automatically when it comes in contact with the ground.  (Note: If you’ve fallen down and passed out after drinking your entire 24 pack of Bud Light and you’re laying on the ground, the can will disintegrate and spill all over you, like someone splashing cold water in your face.)

How about the environmentally friendly cardboard can? (Like a juice box with a pop-top, plastic straw not included, as the inebriated imbiber would be unable to poke the straw through the opening and throw it on the ground.)  An alcoholic juice box with a  “born on” date!

Imagine if we could coat the can with a strong magnetic material that would rub off (add metal to the aluminum).  When the drunken litterbug tries to toss the empty can, it will “yo yo” right back up into the hand of the beholder. After all, “beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve imbibed my share of “brewskis” over the years and would be happy to have a beer with you after work some day.  But I’m tired of picking up after those who persist in leaving their pop-top aluminum calling card all over “this land is your land, this land is my land.”  I almost “laughed out loud” (LOL)  last week when I went out to get my paper and what do I spy in the grass next door?  A crushed Bud Light can! I might have laughed if I were not so “hopping” M.A.D.D!  So faithful readers, here endeth today’s blog rant. And in conclusion I will say; “ When you say Budweiser, you’ve said it all.”

For all you do, this (Bud)Blog’s for you.

Steve E. Reno