Read this with your "mourning" coffee..

Ok, first I’ll hit the drive-thru at Starbucks and pick up my coffee. Then I’ll drive-thru McDonald's and pick up my Egg McMuffin.  Since the bank lobby is not open yet, I’ll make a quick stop at the bank drive up ATM and get some cash.  While I’m at it, I’ll drop off my dry cleaning at the drive-thru cleaners and then pick up my prescription at the Rite Aid drive-thru. I saw on Facebook that Joe’s grandmother died so as long as I’m out doing errands, I’ll go to the funeral home and use the drive-thru window to pay my respects. 

Drive-thru funeral home viewing?!  Yes, you heard it right. Here’s how it works. When you drive up, the curtain opens and the angled casket becomes visible.  You can then sign the retractable guest book and insert a card or other condolence. Then you can attend the funeral service at the drive-in church, where you can park and tune in your radio and hear the service. 

As James Taylor put it so aptly in his song “Traffic Jam”:

“just strap me in behind the wheel

and bury me with my automobile.”

Many commuters, from NYC to Boston to L.A. spend so many hours of their life in their cars that when added up can be measured in days, weeks and months.   The problem is that in trying to make the time in the car more productive they become increasingly distracted from the task of driving.   Though we all thought there would be flying cars or at least monorails that would diminish our commuting time, it seems that the big auto makers have made sure that we are married to the internal combustion engine vehicle to get us from point A to point B.  Maybe the best we can hope for is the “Google” auto drive car with a built in iPhone with Siri to respond our commands.  

As a teenager, I worked as a “carhop” (a what?!) at the local Stewart's Root Beer stand.  Cars would pull up and I would go out and take their orders for hamburgers, fries, shakes and root beer floats.  The customers would wait in their cars until I brought out the tray and carefully placed it on the partially rolled down window.  Around this time, power windows became all the rage and caused a few major spills of food and drinks into the driver’s lap.  (I was guilty as charged on at least one occasion.) Our 1950’s carhop predecessors used to do this on roller skates!  

With the convenience of drive-thru windows and our propensity for instant gratification, we are only limited to our imaginations for ways to avoid exiting our cars. Consider this idea (not legal in all states):  The drive-thru liquor store.  Isn’t that a sensible idea?  You can drive to the store sober and be drunk by the time you return home without getting out of your pickup truck.  Louisiana actually has drive up bars (called Daiquiri Planet) where you can order a Red Bull and vodka Daiquiri from the drive up window. It’s 5 o’clock somewhere and Happy Hour at the drive-thru bar!  (Please drive carefully and drink responsibly.)

Given the convenience of drive-thru cocktails, it is no great leap to discover the drive- thru Strip clubs that offer shows through a peephole as well as drive-thru sex shops for your brown bag purchases. (Keep both hands on the wheel and no idling please!)

Now who has time to wait in the E.R. when a health emergency arises?  Someone came up with the idea of  an urgent care drive up window. If you want to find out whether you are having a heart attack or if your arm has just fallen asleep from hanging out the window of the car all day doing errands, just drive up and the doctor will see you now.  The following dialogue might ensue:

“Please put your arm in the sleeve and we’ll check your blood pressure.   On a scale of 1 to 10, what is your pain level? We will now go online to WebMD and check your symptoms for a diagnosis.  Please pull up to the next window and you can pay and pick up your prescription.”  

How about taking the quickie, wedding trip to Vegas to a new level?  The “Say I Do- Drive-thru Wedding Chapel” will do the trick. Get married and start a family right in the comfy confines of your Smart Car.  

With TV lawyers hawking their services in ads starring themselves, it is no surprise that we now have drive-thru legal offices.  Don’t wait after you’ve been arrested on the way home from the drive-thru cocktail lounge.  Drive right to the drive-thru at “Payne & Suffrin” law office and get some legal advice.  “What, they didn’t tell you should not drink it until you got home?! I think we’ve got a case.”

So if you’re behind me in the Dunkin' Donuts drive-thru, give me a wave and I’ll pay for your coffee. (You’ll know it’s me by my “Tom Hanks for President” bumper sticker.)

Steve E. Reno.